Stupid People's Stupid Web Sites: A Case Study

I've sometimes wondered to myself: What does the most terrible personal web site in the world look like? And which kind of moron's is it? I'm not being rhetorical when I ask which kind of moron. I really want to know: Is it an old moron? A young moron? A male moron? A female moron? Well, I've found the answer. Visit http://monarchchild.cjb.net with me, and follow along.

Exhibit A: The Greeting Page
Cheesy pink font. An animated cursor. A picture of a makeup-splattered girl in a trucker's hat, her face making a pouty, I'm-a-barbie-AND-a-porn star pose. But the best part: In the menu, along with Bios, Photos, and so on, is listed Fan Art. Try clicking it. You'll find it doesn't work. Now click everything else. You'll find that every other link does work.

My conclusion? The only thing worse than creating a web site so internet stalkers can make art of you, is creating a web site so internet stalkers can make art of you, and having none of them show.



Exhibit B: Bio
Enjoys partying? Check! Enjoys dancing? Check! Uses the term *woop woop*? Check! Likes both boys and girls? Check! Likes Christina Aguilera? Check! Slut? Signs point to yes! But she reminds us, "LOOKS arent everything! please learn to realize that." Now let's move on to her page full of revealing web cam pictures.

Exhibit C: Pictures
Three pages of pouty poses, slutty poses, chest shots, lower body shots, bling shots, ass shots with the words "MonarchChild's Big Booty" across them, and a picture of her holding an "I'm not easy, but we can discuss it" sign.



But my absolute, all time favourite:



The asterisks are a nice touch.

Exhibit D: Art

The "art" is pictures of her looking sullen, with some photoshop effects sprinkled in, and words of wisdom like "You can't draw Perfection" overlaid. The poetry is about a depressing heartbreak. Fair enough. Except you'd think, at least for her poetry, she'd start using apostrophes. But no, not even for her poetry. Let's end this segment with some of her art, shall we?



Exhibit E: Contact Info

Her email address begins "Monkey_bunny_spanker1718" and she is a member of EIGHT sites with names like http://www.ratemybody.com, http://www.bodylikewoah.com, and http://www.bangme.net. I never thought I'd be forced to use the phrase "Insecure much?" but...

Exhibit F: Links

Included on her list of links: Her own page.

And with that, I'm done. Was I needlessly cruel? Was this exercise just as banal as the banality it was supposed to be making fun of? Am I an asshole? In response, I can only say:



Good night and God bless.