Monday, September 05, 2005

Secret Map Of The Elders Of Zion


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"It was the religion of their primal father to which were attached their hopes of reward, of distinction, and finally of world-dominion. This last wishful phantasy, long abandoned by the Jewish people, still survives among that people's enemies in a belief in the conspiracy of the 'Elders of Zion.'"
- Sigmund Freud, Moses and Monotheism

"Mussolini went so far as to believe that there existed 'heads' of international Jewry and instructed Sacerdoti [leader of the Italian Jewish community] to organize a meeting with them for the purpose of reaching an agreement between Hitler and the Jews; the unfortunate rabbi was forced to inform him that, in fact, there were no such heads, the Jews not being organized on an international level."
- Meir Michaelis, Mussolini and the Jews

"That the Jews, if they wanted it - or if they were forced into it, which seems to be what the anti-Semites want - could even now have preponderance, indeed quite literally mastery over Europe, that is certain; that they are not working and planning for that is equally certain."
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Uniquely among minorities, the Jews have been complimented with the lofty ambition of seeking world domination. The trend really came to a head with the "discovery" of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a document forged by Czarist secret police in the late 19th century to discredit opposition movements, detract attention from a faltering regime and provide work for serpent drawers. Since then, groups that actually espouse world domination (Nazis, Islamic radicals, the Ford corporation) as well as crypto-envious cranks (Canadian aboriginal meathead David Ahenakew, former Malaysian autocrat Mahathir Mohamad) have used the myth of the Protocols to build up the Jews as the Rome to their Carthage, the Yin to their Yang.

One of the strangest historical consequences of the Protocols' influence was the Fugu Plan. To help control newly conquered territories while earning the support of Zion's elders, a group of Japanese generals called for the colonization of European Jewish refugees in occupied Manchuria. Unfortunately the Japanese plan to exploit Jewish influence fell aside when World War II began, and the Protocols did not achieve the irony of simultaneously inspiring the destroyers of Jews and their saviours all in the space of one axis.

Ignoring the issues the conspiracy theorists ignore - plausibility, motivation and above all logistics - I've sometimes wondered what the Jewish-controlled world would look like. How would territories be divided? Would countries be renamed? What would be done with Judenrein places like Greenland and Papua New Guinea? Would all the pigs be slaughtered? Would the new world capital be New York, Hollywood or Jerusalem? Could I get Bermuda? Well now, thanks to the Secret Map of the Elders of Zion, I know.

* In compiling this map, I tried whenever possible to partition lands to their pre-existing Jewish inhabitants. So in Africa, the Lemba, Sefwi and Adayudaya, indigenous tribes which converted to Judaism, are granted nationhood. The allocation of other territories - to the Ashkenazi and Sephardi in Europe, to the Bnei Menashe and Bene Ephraim in India, the Gruzim in the Caucasus, the Temani in Yemen, the Bene Roma in Italy, etc. - was similarly straightforward. Obviously in a lot of cases (Japan, Scandinavia, most of Africa, and so on) I had to improvise using imagination and bad puns.

The small painting next to the Sheol Penal Colony is a miniaturized version of "Hitler in Hell" by George Grosz. The picture above the Secret Islands of the Elders of Zion is of one of their greatest disciples, Dr. Victor von Doom. The rest of the pictures and flags were taken from various corners of the Internet. Since some of the text might be hard to read, here's a list of all the newly-created countries and the regions they occupy:

GLOSSARY:

Abayudaya:
Ugandan tribe that converted to Judaism.

Abravenelia:
The Abravanel family were prominent Sephardis who claimed descent from King David.

Ararat:
A ninteenth-century attempt by Mordecai Noah (hence the name) to start a Jewish refuge in northern New York state.

Ashkenaz:
Jewish term for the Germanic region of Europe.

Azareth:
Legendary dwelling-place of the lost tribes.

Bene Ephraim:
Tribe of Indian Jews.

Bene Mosheh:
Lost Jewish tribe described by ninth century traveller and fabulist Eldad ha-Dani; inspiration for the Prester John myth.

Bene Roma:
Term for Italian Jewry.

Birobidzhan Oblast:
Wasteland set aside as a Jewish "autonomous region" by Stalin.

Bnei Menashe:
Northeast Indian tribe claiming descent from the lost tribe of Menasseh.

Bupkis:
Yiddish for nothing.

Chalastan:
Chala is the term for the Bukharan Jews of Central Asia. It's also the name of the traditional egg bread eaten on the Sabbath.

Chiang-Min:
Possible lost tribe in Tibet.

Daggatun:
Saharan tribe of Jewish descent.

Dominion of Cohenada:
Leonard Cohen is an esteemed Canadian singer-songwriter-poet.

Falasha Empire:
The Falasha are Ethiopian Jews.

Gefilte Ocean:
Gefiltefish is a traditional Jewish delicacy.

Goldberg Coast:
The Gold Coast was the name for a region on the West African coast.

Goldland:
Greenland.

Great Shvitz:
A shvitz, like the Sahara desert, is a very hot place.

Greater Israel:
A common conspiracy theory speaks of plans for a "Greater Israel" which will dominate the Middle East.

Gruzim:
Term for Georgian Jews.

Hebraguay:
Terrible pun on one of South America's famous 'guays.

Heroddines:
The Philippines were named for King Philip of Spain. Herod is a famous Judean king.

Hirschland:
The philanthropist Baron Hirsch sponsored Jewish colonization in Argentina.

Israeli Guyana:
The new and improved French Guyana.

Israeli Indochina:
A deft take on French Indochina.

J.A.P.-an:
No comment.

Jewfoundland:
Move along now.

Judaysia:
Terrible pun on Malaysia.

Judean Congo:
A deft take on the Belgian Congo.

Judeoguay:
Terrible pun on one of South America's famous 'guays.

Judeonesia:
Terrible pun on Indonesia.

Kahanist Isles:
The Kahanists are a band of notorious Jewish extremists. They can stay out of trouble by living among the sheep in the Falklands.

Kahina Queendom:
Kahina was a legendary Jewish Berber queen who led the fight against Arab invaders.

Kaifeng:
Kaifeng was home to an ancient Jewish community in China.

Khazaria:
Khazaria was a Turkic kingdom that converted to Judaism around the 10th century.

Khazar South Africa:
A colonial possession of the Khazars.

Lansky Isles:
Meyer Lansky was a Jewish mobster who helped turn pre-Castro Cuba into a gambling mecca.

Lemba:
An African tribe of partly Jewish descent.

Lost Pashtun Tribes:
The Pashtun of Afghanistan and Pakistan are said to descend at least in part from the lost tribes of Israel.

Lost Tribes of Central America:
Many native American tribes were rumoured by early explorers to descend from the lost tribes of Israel.

Maccabee Arabia:
The Maccabees would surely do a better job running the place than the Saudis.

Marranexico:
Marranos are Jews who hid their identity during the Spanish inquisition, many of whom moved to the new Spanish colonies.

Marxagascar:
Groucho Marx is a famous Jewish intellectual.

New Samaria:
An alternative to New Zealand.

No Mensch Land:
How many Jews really live in Scandinavia?

Noachian Ocean:
The aftermath of Noah's flood.

Nuevo Sepharad:
New Spain, roughly.

Orthodox Korea:
The ideological divide in the Korean peninsula continues.

Pale of Settlement:
The Pale was where Jews were restricted to living during Tsarist times. It's been slightly expanded now that Jewish world domination has finally taken place.

Papua New Judah:
Bad pun on Papua New Guinea.

Putzmania:
The Tasmanian penal colony for putzes.

Rambamala:
The Rambam was a renowned Sephardic scholar, the key figure of the Golden Age of Spanish Jewry.

Rastazion:
Rastafarians believe themselves to be the true Jews; so why not throw them a bone, or an island?

Reform Korea:
The ideological divide in the Korean peninsula continues.

Romaniote:
Term for Greek Jews.

Sabbatea:
The Sabbateans were followers of would-be messiah Sabbatai Zevi, who ended his career by forming a secret Islamic-Jewish syncretic religion in Anatolia.

Secret Islands of the Elders of Zion:
Where nefarious schemes are plotted far from curious eyes. Also known as Micronesia.

Sefwi:
Tribe in Ghana that converted to Judaism.

Sepharad:
Jewish term for Iberia.

Sheol Penal Colony:
Sheol is the Jewish equivalent to purgatory.

Silverberg Coast:
No comment.

Silverland:
Iceland.

Slavery Reparations Grant:
Payback time.

Temani:
Term for Yemenite Jews.

Underwater Lair of Jewish Octopus King:
The world-controlling octopus was/is a common motif among anti-Semitic cartoonists. Now he has a home.

United Jewish Rabbinates:
An alternative to the United Arab Emirates.

Union of Trotskyite Bundist Sanhedrins:
The Bundists were Jewish socialists, the Sanhedrins are "councils" like Soviets, and Trotsky's Trotsky.

United Tribes of New Zion:
The United States of America if colonized by Israelites.

Yehupitz:
Yiddish for "middle of nowhere." Mongolia fits the bill.

Yiddish Isles:
The British isles.

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