Monday, June 12, 2006

The Global Axis Of Evil


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If there's one thing that distracts George W. Bush while he's trying to masturbate, it's the thought of evildoers out there plotting destruction. But you know what would really make him lose his erection? If the whole world was overtaken by the Axis of Evil! Not just Godless North Koreans and Wrong-Godded Iranians, but fascists, communists, cultists, mafiosos, lesbians, cannibals, Mounties, drug cartels, Jacobins, gangsters, rhinos, Inquisitors, pirates, terrorists, barbarians, Nazis, trickster gods and irredentists of all shapes and sizes! In contemplating what such a world would look like, I created the map above. Here's a brief run-down of the conspiring countries:

Amazon Logging Company Holdings: The Brazilian rainforest becomes property of heartless corporations... if it isn't already!
Anglostan: Now it's the British turn to be a colony!
Aztlan: The Mexicans become heart-ripping Aztecs again!
Ba'ath League: The Arab fascists are back!
Barbary Pirate State: Yarr!
Bin Laden Arabia: Bin Laden takes Arabia from the House of Saud!
Camp X-Ray: All of Cuba is incorporated into the official home of America's unwanted!
Cannibal Island: New Guinea reverts to its primordial state!
Cobra Island: The Cobras of G.I. Joe fame stake out their territory!
Confederate Slave Depot: West Africa becomes the new Confederacy's labour source!
Confederate States of America: The Confederacy is back!
Darkland: Greenland turns... dark!
Daulah Islamiyah Nusantara: Islamofascists take Indonesia!
Death Squad Roaming Grounds: Central America returns to its natural state!
Domain of the Penguin: The Penguin of Batman fame takes a slice of Antarctica as his personal fiefdom!
Empire of the Shining Path: The Shining Path guerrillas turn Peru into a neo-Inca Maoist empire!
Escobar Cartel Territory: Colombia becomes the official, not just unofficial, drug factory of the world!
Ethniklashistan: Multicultural southern Canada explodes in civil war!
Falkland Junta: The military-sheep complex takes control of the Falklands!
Fascist Imperium: Mussolini finally gets his empire!
Genosha: Mutants are used as slaves on the island of Genosha!
Golden Horde: The Mongols are tired of not raping and pillaging!
Greater North Korea: North Korea expands!
Greater Yukon Mounted Police State: The merciless Mounties seize the Canadian North!
Gynocracy of New Lesbos: The lesbians seize some obscure islands for a homeland!
Holy Papacy of Iberia: The Inquisition is back!
Icelantis: Iceland is sinking!
Idi Amin's Private Estate: Idi Amin is hungry, and you're on the menu!
Incorporated Markets of the Japanese Imperial Co-Prosperity Sphere: The Japanese are tired of sublimating their violent energes into making electronics!
Islamic Empire of Iran: Iran continues to exist!
Island for the Criminally Insane: Tasmania becomes Australia's Australia!
Jacobin France: The guillotine is out and heads will roll!
Janjaweed Killing Fields: The Janjaweed kill to ride and ride to kill!
Kingdom of Kurtz: Mad Colonel Kurtz takes Southeast Asia!
Latveria: Dr. Doom is out to conquer the world!
League of War Criminals: Peronists, ex-Nazis and assorted generals unite to rule Argentina!
Loki's Realm: The trickster god reclaims his Scandinavian throne!
Magog: The Bible was right!
Militia League: The gun-mad militias seize the American Northwest!
Murder Inc.: The gangsters overrun the American Northeast!
Mussolinia: Mussolini retakes Ethiopia!
Nation of Islam: The Nation of Islam becomes an actual nation!
Nazi Germany: The Nazis are back!
New Sodom: San Francisco declares independence!
Newfoundempire: The Newfies dream of empire!
Opium Coast: The Chinese coast returns to its opium fixation!
Orthodox Republic of Rasputina: The mad monk lives!
People's Republic of China: The People's Republic of China continues to exist!
People's Theocracy of Jonestown: Jim Jones lives, and he's turned Guyana into his Kool-Aid consuming kingdom!
Prison Island: Australia reembraces its criminal origins!
Rhino Kingdom: The Rhinos, archenemies of Babar, maintain their cruel kingdom!
Rhodesia: Cecil Rhodes returns from the dead to enslave Africans!
Quebec: Quebec achieves independence!
Santa's Slave State: Santa enslaves elves in the North Pole!
Skull Island: King Kong lives!
South Afrika: Apartheid returns!
Soviet Alaska: The Ruskies retake Alaska!
Soviet Canuckistan: The true (red) colour of Canada revealed!
Spahn Kingdom: Charles Manson breaks out of jail and takes Southern Cali!
Struthersland: Sally Struthers builds her East African domicile!
Talibanstan: The Taliban are back! (Did they ever even leave?)
Tamil Tiger Isle: The Tamil Tigers take Sri Lanka!
Thuggeestan: Those mad murderous priests of Kali are back!
Triad Columbia: The Asian Triads remove the British from British Columbia!
Union of Soviet Stalinist Gulags: It's time to repopulate Siberia!
United Tentacles of Cthulhu: The extraterrestrial elder gods buried in secret ruins beneath Antarctica emerge!
Vichy France: The French go fascist (again)!

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