Ruminating On Rumination

I can't sleep because I can't stop ruminating. Ruminating is a word which I didn't know for the longest period of time, but which flashed a lightbulb in my skull when I stumbled across the definition. Ruminating, in the psychological sense, can be defined as "Negative cyclic thinking, persistent and recurrent worrying or brooding." There are plenty of positive terms for periods of deep thought: contemplation, meditation, and so on, but only rumination captures the negative essence of overthinking. Rumination is a mental trap because it's deceitful. Thinking over your problems is generally taken to be a positive thing. If you think over a problem long enough you'll come to a solution. That's how the mind should work, at least, but sometimes it hits a snag. Instead of making the problem better, it makes it worse or, alternately, creates a problem where there wasn't one before. That, in short, was what ruined far too much of my experience growing up. And it still occurs sometimes, especially when I can't sleep.

To actually learn that word, to learn the mental process associated with it, was a huge relief to me. It never occurred to me--and this relates to the weird narcissism, the destructive self-obsession of the whole thing--that it wasn't just me. Learning that word suddenly put it into perspective. I began to recognize--not just on the surface as I always had, but deeply recognize--how self-destructive it was. It's not easy to just "snap out of it," but the understanding that it was a faulty state of mind, which could be categorized and quarantined, helped a lot. Now when I find myself ruminating, like I did tonight, I'll force myself to do something productive or at least relaxing. Write, read, listen to music, pointlessly surf the Internet. Writing in particular is helpful, because it serves as a reminder to my future self. When I feel this way again I can go back and read what I've written, and know that I've been there before.

The world isn't sympathetic. That's a harsh realization but incredibly liberating. By and large if you get stuck in a rut it's up to you to dig yourself out. Especially if that rut is mental, and so mostly incomprehensible to other people even if they cared to understand. It can be a long and difficult process to dig yourself out, and I don't mean to say that friends and family and books and music aren't helpful. But fundamentally it requires personal will and dedication and the willingness to occasionally slap yourself in the face. Ways of thinking can be changed, and it doesn't mean you have to lose yourself. Rather I see it as a form of shedding skin. I recognize myself as a continuation of my past but I also look back and see how differently--how fundamentally negatively--I once perceived myself and the world. Which is not to say I'm now perfect and free and floating on air, but that I at least understand now that personal evolution is possible. Rather than simply repeating the mistakes I've made in my mind, I try to learn from them. And on that note, I return to bed and try to sleep.