The Truth Ain't Cute

I blame Japan. As much as I love ninjas and war crimes, I must blame Japan. For what? For the Cult of Cute, which Japan apparently invented as a sort of reverse Bataan Death March for Western civilization. The ultimate and most direct example of the New Cute is Gwen Stefani, who's imported Asian slavegirls hammer home the connection. Her every pose, lyric and video is done with one purpose in mind: to look and sound cute. And nothing says cute like a bunch of little Asian slavegirls dancing in rhythm wearing Hello Kitty backpacks and sucking a lollipop. Other signs of Cute's predominance: phrases like "I heart you" and "le sigh," which are spoken without even the pretense of irony anymore. The Cute phenomenon is separate from Emo, but the two are close cousins, as the Emo look seems to be based around the premise of being "tragically cute." That Samoan poseur from Fall Out Boy, for instance, definitely knows he's cute: he just expresses it in a slightly less sunny way than Gwen Stefani. Fergie and Nelly Furtado have also joined the Cute bandwagon, with Timbaland as their clown prince/minstrel. The key ingredient to a pop song seems to be not necessarily melody or rhythm or even a chorus anymore, but a cute hook. Even I can't help but sing "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard," as much as it pains me to admit.

You know who isn't cute? Charles Bronson. That, my friends, is the counterweight to cute. He's tough as nails, his face looks like a meteor and if you start acting cute with him he'll shoot you. But where's the next Charles Bronson? There's nothing cute about a mustache, which is precisely why we need more of them. The Romans hated mustaches, and look what happened to them. They got invaded by hairy barbarians, and there's nothing cute about raping and pillaging. You know what else isn't cute? Balls aren't cute. They're jangly and hairy and asymmetrical (at least mine are). But what would the world be without balls? It would be a Gwen Stefani video, full of pouty princesses and Asian schoolgirls and well-choreographed dance-offs. Say what you will about Muslim terrorists, but they're not cute. They definitely don't shave their balls. You certainly won't see a Muslim terrorist shucking and jiving in a Pussycat Dolls video. My point is not to glorify the Muslim terrorist, but to point out that Angry can kick Cute's ass anyday. When we had to kick the Nazis ass, we got the least cute motherfucker around, Winston Churchill to do it. Maybe he couldn't dance, but by god he could orate.

Who are these new authority figures telling us what to do? Who are these judges telling us to dance like Janet Jackson and sing more like Mariah Carey? The greatest singers and dancers are the Irish, the ugliest race in northern Europe. Who are these catty gays telling us what not to wear? And I would like to point out that while gays have contributed to the cuteness epidemic, it affects them too. When's the last time you saw a big, fat hairy bear of a gay on primetime television? When's the last time you saw anal sex on primetime television? Never! Because only the cute, fey, best friend of Sarah Jessica Parker gays are allowed to exist in the media. Cheer at their parades all you want, but there's nothing cute about sodomy. In fact, while some conservative cultural commentators deem present society to be like Sodom and Gomorrah, frankly I think the problem is we aren't Sodomy enough. Sure television and movies are sexually provocative, but all they do is tease! I think if at the conclusion of a Christina Aguilera video, she actually got gang-banged, kids would be a lot wiser to what's really healthy behaviour. Sex isn't cute. Kissing is cute, grinding is cute, but suckin' dick definitely ain't cute. "Promiscuous Girl" is a cute song, but there's nothing cute about HIV. OK, maybe a little, but not much. The point is this, kids: would you rather have Charles Bronson defending Western civilization, or Gwen Stefani? There's no sweet escape from the ugly truth.