Dominion Day

"The Canadians were a hospitable and tolerant desert people, living on the edge of a wilderness of snow and permafrost. Winnipeg, Regina and Saskatoon were cities of the northern desert, Samarkands of ice."
- J.G. Ballard

Today is Canada Day, or as it is still known to those who refuse to let tradition and cool words die, Dominion Day. Even as I write this I can hear the cheap but passion-fuelled fireworks of my countrymen go off. I consider myself a Canadian nationalist, to the extent that I support global warming for the arctic resources it will uncover and warmer winters it will bring to the Great White North. Before you accuse me of heartlessness, I also support the transfer of natives from islands flooded due to rising water levels to the increasingly hospitable Canadian north. Other Canadian nationalist positions I support include the Canadian "place in the sun" campaign to annex a Caribbean province, possibly Turks and Caicos; war with Denmark to conquer Greenland ("the Falklands North"); the replacement of the Queen as head of state by a Canadian-born monarch, or at least a blue-blooded European import willing to live in Canada; taking over leadership of the Commonwealth from Britain due to superior size; and erecting giant ice pyramids.

As a Canadian nationalist I am opposed to those who wish to make Canada: boring (socialists), American (neoconservatives), Balkanized (multiculturalists) or smaller (separatists). My Canada is not the Canada of politeness, humility and apologies. Mine is the Canada of Eskimo-ridden tundra, Winnipegosis, a superfluity of lakes, WrestleMania VI, Lord Beaverbrook, mad Métis prophets, Alpha Flight, Wolverine, Montreal bagels in space, Tolstoy-funded prairie colonization, Franco-British-American synthesis, New Iceland, Inuit Qaujimajatuqangit, Labrador Retrievers, Ed the Sock, a few acres of snow, Goldeye, Newfoundland Clubs, lost Vikings, Montreal smoked meat, Boards of Canada and the coming Eurasian super-race. I stand on guard for thee.

The Greenland-Canada Nexus

Alternate Names For Canada

Alaska East
Anglo-French Empire
British North America
Canzania
Coldasia
The Dominion
Francobritannia
Frozen-Over District
Greater Britain
Greater Ontario
Hudsonia
Igloostan
Indo-China North
Indoeurasia
Kanadia
Lesser Britain
Molsonia
Multikultistan
North America North
North America's Better Half
Northern Empire
Northern Wastelands
Northstralia
Nova Siberia
Trudeaupia
Tundrastan

The Great Ontario Trivia Challenge: Dare You Accept!?

In 1913, French-Canadian leader Henri Bourassa denounced the government of Ontario as "more Prussian than Prussia" during the Ontario Schools Question crisis, after Ontario restricted the use of French in their schools and made English the official language of instruction.

In 1993 Garry Hoy, a Toronto lawyer, fell to his death after he threw himself through the glass wall on the 24th floor of the Toronto-Dominion Centre in order to prove the glass was "unbreakable."

In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, Armenians who had escaped persecution from the Armenian Genocide formed communities in southern Ontario. However, Armenian immigration was limited; since the Canadian government had classified Armenians as Asiatic, they were considered alien and undesirable guests.

At WrestleMania X8 in Toronto, the Rock took on "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan in what has been called one of the most memorable matches of all time. Toronto fans audibly cheered for Hogan, who was the heel, after every move (including heelish moves like "the back rake of doom").

Canada's Tamil population is thought to constitute the largest Sri Lankan diaspora in the world and Toronto is the city with the largest number of Sri Lankan Tamils in the world. Gas mascot Tony the Tiger is reportedly inspired by the Tamil Tigers.

Today, the communities of Thunder Bay and Sudbury form the main centres of Finnish-Canadian activity. Thunder Bay boasts the largest Finnish population outside of Scandinavia, and the only Finnish cultural centre in Canada housed in the Finnish Labour Temple along with the Hoito Restaurant.

Paris, Ontario is referred to not only as "the cobblestone capital of Canada" (in reference to a number of aged cobblestone houses) but also as "the prettiest town in Canada".

Dr. Henry Norman Bethune, a rabid communist who served in the Chinese Civil War and was praised by Mao, was born in Gravenhurst, Ontario. He is one of the few Westerners to have a statue in Communist China, and also has a hospital and a medical school named in his honour. According to Mao: We must all learn the spirit of absolute selflessness from him. With this spirit everyone can be very helpful to each other. A man's ability may be great or small, but if he has this spirit, he is already noble-minded and pure, a man of moral integrity and above vulgar interests, a man who is of value to the people.

Ontario has the largest economy in Canada. Nominal Gross Domestic Product in 2003 was an estimated C$494.229 billion (40.6% of the Canadian total), larger than the GDP of Austria, Belgium or Sweden.

In 1916, Berlin, Ontario changed its name to Kitchener; after Field Marshal Horatio Herbert Kitchener, 1st Earl Kitchener. The town of Kaiser Wilhelm, Ontario, remained surprisingly unchanged.

In 1866 a group of around a thousand angry Irish-Americans known as the Fenian Brotherhood briefly captured Fort Erie, Ontario. Their goal, to seize Canada and return it in exchange for the independence of Ireland, was foiled when US authorities interrupted their supply lines and arrested their reinforcements. A famous Fenian soldier's song goes: We are the Fenian Brotherhood, skilled in the arts of war, And we're going to fight for Ireland, the land we adore, Many battles we have won, along with the boys in blue, And we'll go and capture Canada, for we've nothing else to do.

Hamilton, Ontario was the host of the first Commonwealth Games, then called British Empire Games in 1930.

During World War II, the provincial government sought to change the town of Swastika, Ontario's name to Winston, in honour of Winston Churchill, but the town refused, insisting that the town had held the name long before the Nazis co-opted the symbol. Residents of Swastika used to tell the story of how the Ontario Department of Highways would erect new signs on the roads at the edge of the town. At night the residents would tear these signs down and put up their own signs proclaiming the town to be "Swastika".

The British aristocratic Mitford family owned the Swastika Mine for which Swastika, Ontario was named. Nazi sympathizer Unity Mitford claimed to have been conceived there.

Former Latvian President Vaira Vīķe-Freiberga was a student at the University of Toronto.

Far-right Catholic demagogue Charles Coughlin, whose pro-Hitler sermons reached a radio audience of over forty million during the American Depression, was born in Hamilton, Ontario. He remains surprisingly uncelebrated in his hometown.

Adolf Hitler On: Canada

In the only recorded mention by Hitler of Canada I've found, the dictator seems to liken us to a nation of ornery lumberjacks. Would we Canadians still beat up Churchill if he sought refuge on our shores? A question of national identity to ponder.

"Churchill is the very type of a corrupt journalist. There is not a worse prostitute in politics. He himself has written that it’s unimaginable what can be done in war with the help of lies. He’s an utterly amoral repulsive creature. I’m convinced that he has his place of refuge ready beyond the Atlantic. He obviously won’t seek sanctuary in Canada. In Canada he’d be beaten up. He’ll go to his friends the Yankees. As soon as this damnable winter is over, we’ll remedy all that."
- Adolf Hitler (1889–1945), Feb. 18, 1942, to his guest at dinner, General Rommel. Published in Hitler’s Table Talk, pt. 3 (1953).

The Holy Order Of Canadian Disciples: We Stand On Guard For Thee

Click to zoom.

Left to Right: The Montreal Magi, Lord Ironcross, The Spirit Ranger, Father Dominion, Newfoundman, Cold Lady Midnight, The Great White Avenger.

Never mind the Mounties, this is a new century, a new millennium. And a new millennium requires new heroes. Borders are disappearing, enemies are taking different forms, the Great White North is melting and the people don't know whom to turn to. A shadowy outfit known as the Holy Order of Canadian Disciples have dedicated themselves to the protection of the Dominion, taking the black maple leaf as their mantle. They seek neither public nor government approval, hearkening back to an older, some say forgotten sense of frontier justice and New World imagination. They bring ancient values to this young nation, combining the fervor of the prairie populist, the mystique of the French Jesuit orders and the British tradition of the gentleman-soldier. Their black robes and religious symbology is based on their idiosyncratic, largely hidden belief system, which is known to include the recognition of Louis Riel as divine prophet and the deification of Canada as the mystical Ultima Thule, the Promised Land of the North. Their base is said to be somewhere in the wastes of the Northwest Territories, the so-called Frozen Jerusalem, running on telluric currents from a forbidden temple directly beneath the North Pole. But who are these journeymen, these dreamers, who dare forge their own cryptic vision of a Canada sea to sea? They are:

The Montreal Magi, inheritor of the forgotten French esoteric tradition, student of Jesuits and Kabbalists, a Quiet Revolutionary prowling the Old City in search of salvation and the secrets that lurk beneath.

Lord Ironcross, British aristocrat banished from the United Kingdom for unknown offenses against the royal order, a believer in Canada as the British Empire's chosen descendant and the transmutated banner-carrier of Anglo civilization.

The Spirit Ranger, half-Inuit shaman and seer into other dimensions, unrivalled in his knowledge of the dark and the cold both in the Arctic and in man's heart.

Father Dominion, wizened founder of the Holy Order known for his cryptic wisdom and intimate knowledge of his country's terrain and soul, unwearied by age and possessor of the legendary Vinland runes, rumoured to grant primordial strength and vision to their possessor.

Newfoundman, descendant of the greatest navigators of the Maritimes and self-proclaimed spiritual heir of Newfoundland's original Viking explorers, master of the fiddle and protector of the Atlantic through hatchet and harpoon-gun.

Cold Lady Midnight, a former Vancouver prostitute turned dark seductress of the streets, known for a "zero tolerance" policy towards drug use that includes the free distribution of syringes filled with potassium chloride.

The Great White Avenger, a loose cannon among loose cannons, former populist prairie preacher turned grey-bearded vigilante enforcing national unity and Western values through the tip of his poison-bladed cane.

British New Assyria: The Province That Wasn't

"Appearing before the King-Crane commission in August 1919, the Chaldean patriarch requested a European-protected state for Chaldeans, Nestorians, and Syrian-Jacobites in the area of Mesopotomia and the Jezira. However the British showed no enthusiasm for this proposal. Some British spokesmen actually raised the idea of repatriating the Assyrians to Canada rather than fantasizing about a return to the Hakkiari Mountains."

- Minorities in the Middle East by Mordechai Nisan, page 163

Bloodsport In Overtime

There is a Maple Leafs-Canadiens match this evening that will be gripping the hockey world, a world which Canada sits astride like a moose in heat. Like my Brazilian friend who doesn't like soccer, however, I am a countryman apart. It's not that I have anything against hockey, I'm just not particularly interested. I respect the fact that violence is an integral part of the game and that it represents the last bastion of Nordic aggression, an Eleusian mystery rite for the repressed social democracies. I respect the fact that it elevates underrated virtues like masculine grace, toothlessness and bashing skill to the realm of polar god-kings. Yet my preferred bloodsport still remains geopolitics studied to the tune of "Bloodsport" by Killing Joke while muttering obscenities.

I like all the accoutrements associated with hockey. Communal intoxication is a particular favourite of mine, I just don't feel the need for an excuse to live it out. Why not just watch images of Emmanuel Goldstein while being injected with shots of adrenaline and nitroglycerine? That's my kind of getting-pumped-up experience. The merchants could make money selling Eurasia and Oceania jerseys, though keeping consistent records might be a problem. As for riots, why not just schedule Guns N' Roses shows with the explicit, rather than implicit guarantee that the band won't show up? Then everybody's happy, as only the people who came for the violence will get to experience it. Again, to the tune of "Bloodsport" by Killing Joke because without a soundtrack violence isn't Fanonian performance art, it's just nihilistic Algerian-on-Algerian aggression.

I don't mind watching hockey once in a while. It's just the whole keeping up with the narrative, knowing the statistics and team loyalty business that loses me. This makes me a bad person and a poor patriot. To some it is also a sign of gender disloyalty. Men with nothing else in common inevitably turn to sports as the common denominator to stave off womenly talk of emotions and relationships. Don't get me wrong, I don't like talking about emotions or relationships either, it's just that sports talk isn't the ideal replacement for me. I'm of the opinion that being interested in history, politics and philosophy is just as manly a pursuit as sports minutia, if for nothing else then the simple reason that most women aren't interested in those things either. Plus the rivalries are way more vicious. I'm a born-and-raised Eurasia fan and death to anyone who disagrees.

Flag Of The Day

Today's Flag of the Day is the official flag of Soviet Canuckistan, also known in some circles as Canada.

Five Most Boring Article Titles In My Social Canadian History Textbook

5. "Dislocations: Changing Experiences of Time and Space in an Industrialising Nineteenth-Century Ontario Town"
4. "Cartoons and Commissions: Advice to Junior Farmers in Postwar Ontario"
3. "Young Men and Technology: Government Attempts to Create a 'Modern' Fisheries Workforce"
2. "Renovating the Canadian Old Age Home: The Evolution of Residential Care Facilities in B.C., 1930-1960"
1. "Memories of Métis Women of Saint-Eustache, Manitoba, 1910-1980"

The Anglo-French Canadian Empire

Click to zoom.

Although the separatist threat in Canada seems to have faded, an unexpected resurgence could take place at any time. To this end, should the "Oui" ("yes") side win a Quebec referendum, I propose a radical measure to befit the radical situation. To wit: the immediate importation of any surviving Hapsburg to serve as ruler of a dual Anglo-French Canadian Empire. A.F.C.E. for short. The new emperor would serve as a unifying force for bilingual unity, while mitigating Quebecois feelings of resentment toward Canada's previous British monarch. Having a homegrown empire would also contribute to Canadian distinctiveness, weakening dependency on both Britain and the United States for cultural identity. In addition, a "winter palace" could be built in the Far North, increasing tourism to that less than fair-weathered region. Reflecting Canada's overwhelming size and diversity, royal residences could indeed be built in all of Canada's regions, bringing the new monarch closer to the people.

The Austro-Hungarian Empire was, like Canada, diverse and multicultural, with over 18 constituent kingdoms and countries united under the crown. This arrangement lasted for 50 years, broken only by a cataclysmic and uniquely European war. Emperor Franz Joseph himself spoke numerous languages, including fluent German, Hungarian and Czech, to better ingratiate himself with his subjects. While the unfortunate extremism of certain Serbian radicals led to the untimely dissolution of the dual-monarchy, there's little likelihood such a world-shattering calamity would befall placid Canada. Indeed, there was nothing inevitable about the Austro-Hungarian collapse in the first place, as historian Alan Sked indicated: "to speak of decline and fall with regard to the Monarchy is simply misleading: it fell because it lost a major war." Canada, as a constitutional monarchy, would be free of many of the resentments that tore Austria-Hungary apart in the first place, as the monarch would be largely a symbolic figure.

While turning Canada into a dual-empire might seem a radical move, the dissolution of the country would be far more so. The Austro-Hungarian Empire, like Canada, was based on the principle of two founding nations, while advocating equality and autonomy for other participating parties. Besides the Canadian heartland, there are many territories that would likely jump at the chance to join the new conglomeration--from Greenland to the Turks and Caicos Islands to the Northeastern United States. If the only other alternatives for Canada are national dissolution or civil war, why not try empire instead? History, after all, is full of great empires: the Roman Empire, the Achaemenid Empire, the Mongol Empire, the British Empire, the Tu'i Tonga Empire, the Inca Empire, the Danish Empire, the Haitian Empire, the Soviet Empire, the Central African Empire, the American Empire... Why shouldn't the Anglo-French Canadian Empire be added to the list?

The Darker Side Of Multiculturalism

Sadly to say, I'm not surprised in the least by the recent arrests in Toronto of suspected homegrown terrorists. I was in high school when 9/11 happen, and I can well remember the gleeful reactions of certain schoolmates. Not to say this was exclusively a Muslim phenomenon: the most disgraceful display was the cheery laughter of a Serb who hated both Muslims and Americans (as well as Canadians, Jews and pretty much everyone else). I recall my arguments with a Jordanian who talked about how America deserved it, how Canada meant nothing to him, how he only lived here because his parents moved here, etc. He was born in Canada, mind you, but I will not use the hyphenated phrase Jordanian-Canadian because he did not classify himself as Canadian and frankly, he didn't deserve to be.

What got me going the most when I read about the arrests was that several of the suspects were Somali. Somalia is currently just a name on a map: it is not a functional country and has no working government. Its capital, Mogadishu, is run by warlords and is probably the most dangerous place on Earth. So you'd think Somali immigrants, taken in by Canada, would be somewhat appreciative of the benefits accrued here. I'm sure many (perhaps most, I have no way of knowing) Somalis are. But the fact that at least some aren't, and to such a radical degree, reflects a problem rarely dealt with in public discussions about immigration.

Namely, accepting refugees is considered a humanitarian action and rightly so. Yet among the people fleeing the poor conditions of their home country for a new start, there are inevitably some who bring the problems of their homeland with them. This can be seen in the recent spate of gun violence in Toronto, which disproportionately involves the Jamaican community. You'd have to be an ostrich to deny any correlation with the disproportionately high rates of gun violence in Jamaica. Here in Hamilton, where I live, a large part of the drug trade is run by Vietnamese and other Southeast Asians. As far back as Grade 7 I can remember the presence of Southeast Asian pseudo-gangs with catchy names like the Oriental Blood Brothers. Why was it Vietnamese and not Chinese or Koreans who became "Oriental Blood Brothers"? I don't know, but I'd hazard to say it has something to do with the differences of culture we as Canadians are supposed to be celebrating.

I don't believe that immigration should be curtailed because of the actions of some. But I'm also disgusted by the unwillingness to engage in any sort of public debate surrounding these sorts of facts, which are obvious to anyone who has at least attended the public school system in the last decade. Is it a racist statement for me to say that the few racists I've encountered in Canada have mostly been immigrants who brought their homegrown prejudices with them? Perhaps in the United States arguments about institutionalized racism and a system prejudiced against minorities hold some weight. But Canada, I'm confident in saying, is one of the least if not the least racist country on Earth, and if that happy status quo changes a large proportion of the blame belongs to these Toronto terrorists (if they are indeed guilty) and other self-defamers who seem to feel it their duty to live up to the worst stereotypes.

Headlines Just Ain't What They Used To Be

For better or for worse, headlines just ain't what they used to be. Probably for better, except in the case of Sheep Men.

Courtesy of the Globe & Mail, February 4, 1943.

Denmark Has Finally Gone Too Far

"Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started."
- Former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The Danes, those perennial shit-disturbers of northern Europe, have done it again. First they dared fix their flag on Hans Island, an integral part of Canada Eternal. After being routed like the bottom-tier barbarians they are, they then turned their bullying to what they thought would be an easier target: the Muslim world. But like Canada, the Ummah (House of Islam) doesn't take kindly to the provocations of godless infidels. After the Danish paper Jyllands-Posten dared to publish offensive cartoons of the prophet Muhammad--and the Danish government refused to apologize for this blatant act of free speech--protests have erupted throughout the Muslim world. Masked gunmen took over the E.U. office in Gaza, Libya closed its Danish embassy, labour strikes and riots gripped Pakistan, two employees of Denmark-based Arla Foods were beaten by angry customers and a roadside bomb targeted a joint Danish-Iraqi patrol.

Finally Canada has an ally in its struggle against the imperious Norsemen. Together, as a united Islamo-Canadian front, we will feed feed them death and hell. Our first course of action should be to immediately join the Muslim boycott of Danish foods, including popular cream cheese, butter and cookie brands. If the Danish warmongers don't immediately buckle under the combined weight of a Islamo-Canadian boycott, then more extreme measures must be taken. Canada should enlist Jihadists from training camps around the world to form Mujahedeen units to fight for our Arctic sovereignty. After safely securing Hans Island, the next logical objective should be to liberate Greenland as a Canadian protectorate and eventual eleventh province. To placate our Wahhabi brethren, sharia law should be imposed on the island's estimated 56,375 inhabitants. From there it's a stone's throw to Iceland, the historical stepping stone to the Danish heartland.

Should Canada go further? Should the Brigade of Canadian Jihad seek the wholesale conquest of Denmark? In the face of such flagrant belligerence on the part of the Norsemen, the answer can only be yes. The crescent of Islam and the maple leaf of Canada must annex, once and for all, the unholy peninsula of the Danish crusader state. After the execution of Queen Margrethe II and other war criminals, Islamo-Canadian colonization of arable land and the forced conversion of the native population, a gradual process of self-rule may be granted. This depends on Danish attitudes toward their new overlords and their fealty to the word of Allah and Trudeau, his messenger. The Danes have already dug their own grave with their reckless warmongering against the Canadian and Islamic peoples. The only question now is whether it will be so deep as to wipe away any trace of Danish civilization from the globe.

Canadian Absurdism

So Canada's next ceremonial head of state is a separatist. The general consensus is that the Liberals were too incompetent to do a background check, or too arrogant to care. I prefer to think of it is an ingenious bit of political absurdism, however. It's like making an emigrant the Minister of Immigration, a Mennonite the Minister of Industry or a dead man the Minister of Health.

Since the demise of the short-lived Central African Empire (what self-proclaimed emperor Jean-Bedel Bokassa renamed the Central African Republic to help it "stand out"), there has been a decline in the quantity and quality of worldwide absurdist politics. Canada's own Rhinoceros party, which once advocated building a bridge across the Atlantic ocean, has been defunct since 1993.

Who would have guessed that our current Prime Minister, that greying jellyfish Paul Martin, would be the one to bring a sense of performance art back to Canadian politics? Really, the country is ripe for this kind of theater. We have lots of space, few enemies to worry about and little distinctive culture. There's a gaping void in our national fabric only ridiculous ideas can adequately fill.

Some interesting ideas are already floating around, such as a proposal to merge with a tropical island (possibly the Turks & Caicos) to provide Canada with a "sunshine province." Then there is our current spat with Denmark over a useless piece of rock near Greenland called Hans Island. My opinion? Use the dispute as a pretext for the full-scale annexation of Greenland itself, under the pretense of protecting Inuit rights.

Canada has deep reservoirs of goodwill around the world, and it's time to tap in. Give full support for the American occupation of Iraq if they let us have Greenland. Really, what business does Denmark have owning Greenland anyway? Sure they "discovered" it, but Spain "discovered" the New World. That doesn't mean Spain got to keep it. As a North American island, Greenland should belong to a North American nation, and Canada is the closest one.

There are plenty more ideas where that came from. Make Moosejaw the new capital to stem Western alienation. Rent off some of our excess land to nationless ethnic groups. Erect gigantic ice pyramids as tombs for deceased Prime Ministers. Legalize gay marriage! Wait, we already did that. Legalize drugs and prostitution then! Canada's stale political landscape has long been in need of some fresh ideas. It took a visionary like Paul Martin to finally get the ball rolling.

Les Péquiste Penguins De Québec

Having recently seen the excellent documentary, March of the Penguins, I feel qualified to state some basic facts about penguins and their natural habitats. Namely, that penguins live in Antarctica and some outlying islands in the southern hemisphere--not, as my cartographic shower curtain seems to think, Québec and northern Canada. Although I wish they did, because then I could drive up to see them! I'd take penguins over moose and beavers--not to mention the human inhabitants of Québec--any day.

The Juno Awards: Canada's Way Of Reminding Ourselves We Suck

Actual scene from the Juno Awards.

The Juno Awards are kind of like Canada's Grammys, with all that entails. In other words, it's a boring self-congratulatory celebration of mediocrity by an out-of-touch music industry. Except it's Canadian! So it's taxpayer-supported and even more boring! If I was event organizer, I'd spice up the ceremony Canada-style, and include naked maple syrup wrestling, surprise celebrity gay marriages, a Riefenstahl-style mountie rally in tribute to Rush, and government officials burning money. Oh, and the original insult comic puppet, Ed the Sock would host. Instead we're likely to be treated to Celtic fiddling, a token appearance by a second-rate American act, and comedian presenters who make the Barenaked Ladies seem like Lenny Bruce. Want proof of lameness? Here are the five nominees for Artist of the Year, ranked in order of how abominable I find them. Note that Anne Murray and Rita McNeil are absent from the list, so it could be even worse.

5. Diana Krall
4. k.d. lang
3. Avril Lavigne
2. Bryan Adams
1. Celine Dion

To give a rough comparison to my American audience, it's like the nominees for America's Greatest Moment in History being:

5. The internment of the Japanese in World War II
4. The Columbine school shooting
3. The Trail of Tears
2. The Vietnam War
1. Slavery

You may be asking yourself, "Is he saying that Celine Dion is as bad as slavery?" The answer is yes. Think about it. She has maybe three songs without the word Love in the title. She inadvertently raises support for Quebec separatism among English-speaking Canadians. She sang the Titanic into an iceberg! Now where are my reparations?

P.S. For those wondering, Group of the Year nominees include Simple Plan, Great Big Sea, and Sum 41.

Amerinadian Differences

I just came back from a weekend in New York City's less exciting younger brother, Albany. The differences between Canada and the United States--culturally speaking--seem to me to be composed of a variety of small things that significantly add up. To wit, here's a list of what you'll find in America that you won't in Canada:

- Denny's
- MTV
- HBO
- Bob Evans
- Wonderment at the Canadian decriminalization of marijuana
- More fat people
- More black people
- More fat black people
- More people
- Fox News
- Less immigrants
- Less Asians
- Less taxes
- Best Buy
- More assholes
- More Spaniards
- Less Frenchmen
- ESPN
- Bigger malls
- Lesser beer
- More ghettoes
- Bemusement at the phrases washroom, pop and serviette
- More hussies
- Gigantic one dollar cans of iced tea
- Hot Topic
- Political bumper stickers

A Guide To Canadian Diversity

I live in Canada, which prides itself on being a multicultural society. Living in my small part of it, I've encountered people from all of the countries shaded red on the map above; in essence, I get to explore the world without ever leaving my home(land). It's really a remarkable achievement, especially since massive civil war has yet to break out here, and the prejudices people from other countries bring only occasionally manifest themselves in school firebombings and the like.

In honour of Canada's relative degree of social cohesion, I'm now going to list those countries whose former inhabitants I've met and give my entirely subjective assessment. For those whom I've nothing interesting to say about I'll put N/I--not interesting. This isn't exactly a scientific study, so don't draw any wider conclusions. (Unless you really want to.)

Afghanistan: The one girl of Afghani descent I knew was completely assimilated, so I can't draw many cultural conclusions. She was a cog in the more popular clique in my high school, but her real claim to fame was that someone apparently walked in on her at a party having anal sex. Take that, Taliban!
Armenia: Although he's a metal fan, the one Armenian guy I know is not nearly as obnoxious as System of a Down. Apparently when I was drunk I was really fascinated with the fact he was Armenian. Upon sobriety the fascination faded.
Assyria: Did you know Assyrians still exist? I didn't until fairly recently. Unfortunately they seem to be "Gino"-ized here, and not the Levant-conquering Semitic warriors of yore. A shame really.
Bulgaria: The only Bulgarian I've met was short, had glasses and disliked me. I was too reserved to say it at the time, but--the feeling's mutual, asshole!
Cambodia: The Cambodians where I went to school were part of the whole Southeast Asian drug-and-Wu Tang Clan loving connection. Nothing too Rouge, or interesting, about them.
China: In my university residence the Chinese people studied all night and slept all day, only pausing to play strange Chinese games and laugh at things no white man was privy to. Nice fashion sense though.
Colombia: A Colombian man was my Red Cross instructor. He said he and his wife fled the country after being subject to an extortion ring. Such a scourge they are.
Croatia: The Croatian guy I knew was a really big fan of Cypress Hill. I can only hope this isn't representative of a larger trend.
Cyprus: I didn't ask whether the girl I knew was a Greek or Turkish Cypriot, but then again I didn't really care.
Czech Republic: N/I
Denmark: N/I
Egypt: My friend from Egypt is a Coptic Christian. He's a good guy, big fan of the Simpsons, and asked a lot of unnecessary questions in Computer class. So mostly commendable.
Eritrea: The guy from Eritrea I know is proud his country broke away from Ethiopia. My only question: why would anyone want to break away from Ethiopia!?
Finland: N/I
France: N/I
Germany: I met a German exchange student with that rare variant on my name, Benny. An affable fellow, he was impressed with my pronounciation of untermenschen after he asked what rascal meant. He said it wasn't exactly a real word though. Most other Germans I've met have been perfectly nice, though I could see some of them as mass murderers in a different context.
Greece: Constantine had a great name, but a perplexing opinion on Jews (he claimed they're rich because "people gave them money because they felt sorry for the Holocaust"). I don't know whether the two balance out or not; I'm leaning towards no. I've met some other Greeks in my time but, unfortunately, none of them were the great philosophers or heroic demigods I'd hoped for. I guess it's a hard legacy to live up to.
Guyana: The people from Guyana I've met seem by appearance to be Indian, but refer to themselves as Guyanese. So I'll do the same out of respect; although I don't know what contributions to world civilization Guyana's made that would possibly make people want to associate with it over India.
Haiti: Lots of Haitians live in Quebec because of the French connection (it was a former French colony). Apparently most of them disavow voodooism now, which kind of saddens me.
Hungary: They know their country's name sounds like "hungry," so don't remind them. They don't like it.
India: Lots of Indians here. I commend them on their food, particularly Nan bread. There does seem to be a rising "brown trash" phenomenon though, which is a shame as there's already enough white trash to go around.
Iran: The one Iranian guy I knew was a member of the Baha'i faith, and hated the Ayatollahs; he was more of a Shah fan, which I can only applaud. Another girl out of Iran I talked to was surprised I knew "so much" about Iran (I knew the capital and the major language). Apparently Westerners have a reputation of being ignorant of the world outside their door. I wonder why?
Ireland: I had a great Irish teacher in high school. He enjoyed telling stories of soccer riots and playing golf.
Israel: The local Jewish deli is run by Israelis. I recommend the bagels with melted cheese.
Italy: I think the phenomenon of "Ginos and "Ginas" (basically soccer-loving Eurotrash with slicked hair) has done more ruin to Italy's image than the Mafia. But they're a generally good people regardless.
Japan: I sat next to a young Japanese tourist on the train once. She went to college in what she claimed was "the safest city" in America. She was very big on safety, later asking me how safe Montreal (our destination) was. Kind of odd for someone travelling alone to be obsessed with safety. She was also shocked not everyone in North America had cellphones like in Japan.
Jordan: I used to have some funny arguments with a half-Jordanian guy about the Middle East. I respect (some) other people's opinions, but when you claim that there was no such thing as an ancient Israel, and that "maybe 3 million max" Jews were killed in the Holocaust, I get a little peeved. Oh, he also claimed there were no homosexuals anywhere in the Arab Middle East. A random example of the unique multicultural mosaic of Canada in action: a Serbian guy I know disliked the half-Jordanian because he thought he was one of those "white Muslims" from Europe, but was okay with him when he realized he wasn't. Prejudices are strange.
Kazakhstan: Technically I knew a guy from Kazakhstan, but he was really just a Russian who was born there. Igor was a good guy; he really liked Nirvana, and in grade 8, he threw a paintbrush at a guy who made fun of his accent and almost hit him in the eye. Respect must be earned.
Latvia: My Latvian friend is named Magnus. His brothers are Siegfried and Vilmar. Latvia is thus awesome.
Lithuania: The most affable of Baltic staters!
Mexico: We don't get too many Latin Americans up here, at least in my experience; it probably has something to do with the climate. But the one Mexican I've met (in summer school for what it's worth), was a great guy. Raul would try to lure flies to a pile of sugar he made, and openly wish he could get home quickly to see his mom. He wasn't very good at math, being in summer school, but then again, neither was I.
Moldova: My babysitter when I was young was from Moldova. A great lady. You'll hear no Moldova-bashing from me.
Morocco: The Moroccan girl I sat next to in my grade 11 math class was rumoured to be married. I can neither confirm nor deny this.
Netherlands: There are a fair number of people of Dutch descent around. Long, hard-to-pronounce last names are a problem, and should've been cut in half by immigration officials.
New Zealand: N/I
Nigeria: A Nigerian girl I know asked me if I was a tits or an ass man. I respect any girl who asks that.
Pakistan: Like Indians, but with anti-Semitism.
Panama: The one Panamanian guy I met refused to admit being even part black, despite kinky hair and dark skin. Apparently he was Panamanian, of Spanish descent, and that's that.
Philippines: The most affable of Asians!
Poland: A Polish history teacher I had was angry about France giving up so easily and collaborating in World War 2, while Poland tried to fight and received so much more abuse from the Germans. Then again as a pollock, what does he know?
Portugal: Far too many Portuguese "Ginos and Ginas" abound, and the term "porkchop"... ugh. I've met some nice Portuguese people though, including one guy in my history class who made fun of the Polish teacher for his country having never contributing anything of value to the world. Pot, meet kettle. (Although he did make the case that Magellan was Portuguese).
Romania: I've met one guy from Romania; he was quiet, deeply immersed in rap culture, and claimed to have killed a gypsy in his homeland. I can't substantiate this, but it doesn't sound like something to be proud of.
Russia: Not to offend Mother Russia, but I've met some very strange Russians in my time. One wore sweaters his mother knitted, and got very offended when I off-handedly insulted communism in a class presentation. Another had literally no sense of humour; I can't recall ever seeing him smile or laugh. I've met some perfectly nice and normal Russians too, but... the country does seem to produce some eccentric personalities.
Saudi Arabia: A few girls from Saudi Arabia went to my high school; one, oddly enough (or not), was in my Latin class. They were quiet, wore head covering, et al.
Serbia: I don't want to be clouded by passion here, because the worst human being I've ever met was from Serbia. He had a square head, lots of acne, openly celebrated the September 11th attacks, spoke admiringly of the Nazis, displayed open contempt towards Canada and "Canadians" (he didn't consider himself one) and seemed to be racist against most every race. Regardless, I know there are good Serbs out there, such as my high school gym teacher who liked to ask a Russian student to read things because it "reminded him of his mother."
Somalia: I used to know a good guy from Somalia. He really liked the show "Hey Arnold!" and told me how to pinpoint his country on a map: it's shaped like the number seven. I've never forgotten.
South Africa: My African history professor was a white South African. Everyone in the class was white, too. What's up with that? I haven't met any black South Africans for whatever reason.
South Korea: There are lots of Koreans here, but two spring immediately to mind. Harry went to my high school, and would sit with us at lunch. He had no sense of humour, and rarely said anything. I don't think he liked us much. The other guy, whose name I can't recall, made up for in toughness for what he lacked in height. I saw him in a fight once. I'm glad I wasn't involved.
Spain: Let's just say I understand how they lost their empire now. But I guess skill at soccer makes up for lack of relevance on the world stage.
Sri Lanka: I've met two Sri Lankan girls in my time. Both were perfectly nice people with incredibly long last names.
Sudan: A guy from Sudan in my middle school was kicked out for an attempted stabbing. So that's that.
Sweden: Well, the one Swede I knew had dark hair, lots of acne, and was adopted. I guess all stereotypes have exceptions.
Syria: I worked with a Syrian who enjoyed physical labour (for the adrenaline rush, he said), jazz, underground hip-hop and going on walks while high. He also sported a pretty good Jewfro for a (non-practicing) Muslim. When I told him I'd been to Israel he told me he'd love to visit Palestine.
Trinidad: The Trinidadian girl I knew was of Chinese descent but had a Caribbean accent and was proud of it. And why not?
UK: My exposure to British television and music led to much disappointment when I discovered that real British people were about as witty and cultured as the average North American.
Ukraine: Based on my experiences with Ukranians, I'd say the Ukraine, despite popular misconceptions, is not weak. Not particularly strong, but not weak.
United States: Like Canadians but fatter.
Vietnam: Lots of Vietnamese folks went to my middle school. The ones I knew defied every Asian stereotype in existence. They smoked weed, did badly in school, put gum in the mouth of the math teacher's Alf doll (a move I thoroughly supported) and listened to the Wu-Tang Clan. Apparently one had to walk on hot coals for misbehaving in his old country, and I remember one kid saying his parents threw a chair at him. I did learn a word from my experiences with them, however: "bettai" means gay in Vietnamese. They would use this word a lot to describe things they didn't like.
Zimbabwe: One Zimbabwean said another guy allegedly from Zimbabwe couldn't be, because Zimbabweans don't wear glasses. However Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe, has worn glasses in every picture I've seen of him. I don't know what conclusions I can draw from this.

And people I still want to meet: Greenlanders, Icelanders, Brazilians, Peruvians, Madagascarians (?!), Western Saharans, Azerbaijanis, Mongols, Austrians, Nepalese, Micronesians, Vatican City people, Papa New Guineans, and Turks.