Showing posts with label terrorism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label terrorism. Show all posts

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Bemoaning The World Atop A Mountain Of Shredded Fabric

From the Globe & Mail article How a devout Hindu teen became a stranger to his parents on trial in an alleged terror plot, an account of the young apostate Hindu's parents' attempt to steer their son from the path of Jihad:

"He was almost mad-like. ... He would go into the closet and sit down like this," he said, closing his eyes, a blank expression setting in over his face. "I'd say, 'Put on the TV,' and he'd say, 'No, everything's corrupt on TV.' "

His parents had spent $3,000 on brand-name clothing to win their son's favour after his release from custody. One day they came home to find a mountain of shredded fabric and their son beside it, tearing through shirts and pants with a pair of scissors.


Given two rich traditions to draw on, Western civilization and Indian civilization, what the parents used to try and lure their child from Islamic fundamentalism was: TV and designer clothing. If the only perceived choices for spiritually vacant youth caught between cultures are superficial Americanism (I say superficial because I am aware of Thoreau and Mark Twain) and superficial Islam (I say superficial because I am aware of Averroes), no wonder many choose the one that offers at least the illusion of depth and the possibility of salvation.

When my father was a child, his far from rich widowed mother, born in the Odessa of the Tsar and relocated to farthest Canada, saved up money to buy him a Great Books of the Western World encyclopedic series. Nowadays, apparently, when immigrant parents wish to solidify their child's ties to their cultural surroundings, they offer So You Think You Can Dance? and Roc-A-Fella sweaters. My point is not to castigate the poor parents or to justify religious extremism, it is simply to say: that is sad.

If you need me I'll be in the closet with a pair of scissors.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Between Mother And Justice

Condemning the terrorism of the FLN (National Liberation Front) in their campaign for an independent Algeria, Albert Camus outraged the anti-colonial French left by declaring: "I have to denounce blind terrorism in the streets of Algiers, which might one day strike my mother or my family. I believe in justice, but I'll defend my mother before justice." In choosing his flesh-and-blood mother over the abstract ideal of justice, Camus proved himself not just to be a good son--one of the few remaining meaningful roles left in a post-God world--but a true humanist. Sartre may have written that "Existentialism is a Humanism," but for him human beings were less important than the fashionable causes they were killed in the name of (though extreme principles necessarily lead to extreme hypocrisy, and it is certain that for Sartre some people, like himself, were less worthy of sacrifice than others). To be a good Communist party member was to put Party before all else, certainly before such a historically negligible element as one's mother. To do so would be scientifically (remember that Marxism was once seriously considered a "science") absurd--and few intellectuals besides Camus took the centrality of absurdity to life seriously. Perhaps the suspicion that most left-wing intellectuals would indeed put justice (or egalitarianism, or solidarity, or multiculturalism, or whatever the sacralized word of the moment may be) before their mothers is what makes many, including the lower classes they aim to speak for, look askance upon them. If a man can't be trusted to put his mother first, how can he be trusted at all?

If the concept of mother is expanded to motherland, we can see exactly how and why the internationalist left failed so spectacularly in the twentieth century. The concepts nationalists use in their rhetoric--blood, soil, community--are much more tangible than abstract notions of international worker solidarity. International socialism failed precisely in 1914 when the workers of the world chose their physical neighbours--their fellow citizens--over their imaginary neighbours--their fellow workers in distant lands. It was the floating threat of internationalist rape of the motherland--by communists, by Jews, by global finance--that allowed ultra-nationalists to expand conservative ideals like land and blood into counter-revolutionary sacralized abstractions of their own. The irony is that by elevating the concept of motherland to a holy signifier, ultra-nationalists were equally as guilty as the communists in putting unreachable goals before actual people. "Between my motherland and my mother, I choose my mother," would be just as much a heresy in a national socialist milieu as "Between justice and my mother, I choose my mother" was for Camus in an international socialist milieu. The autonomy of the family is a threat to any totalitarian system, and due to the primordial loyalty they inspire and the unregulated cultural and moral values they impart, perhaps mothers are the greatest anti-revolutionary threat of all.

Human beings exist in two worlds--the physical world, and the symbolic world that gives the physical world meaning. Symbols are made real through actions in the physical world. Thus communism was certainly a real phenomenon, as real people lived, killed and died for it--but it was them, not the symbols, that made it real. Thus Stalin was as much a legitimate representative of communism as Marx. Humans are symbolic animals and can no less rid ourselves of the urge to create abstractions than the urge to defecate and eat. Camus discussed the meanings of many important abstractions in his work: freedom, justice, revolt, exile. This is what makes him a philosopher and an intellectual, like his countryman Sartre. But unlike Sartre, unlike the ideologically dogmatic left, Camus was not willing to sacrifice his physical world of flesh-and-blood ties for symbols that are ultimately only as meaningful as the meaning we put into them. If the meaning we put into symbols involves the sacrifice of kin, these symbols are instrinsically anti-human. The swastika is anti-human, though surely Heidegger claimed to be deeply concerned with the human condition; the hammer and sickle is anti-human, though surely Sartre and the rest of Stalin's apologists claimed to be humanists. To be an intellectual requires an active mind, but to be a human being requires more than that. It requires, at the very least, loyalty to one's mother before any abstraction. Unlike so many intellectuals, Camus was more than the sum of his symbols: he was a true human being.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Send In The Khans

I read an interesting Q & A in the National Post (the nation is Canada for you foreigners) with a young, unemployed self-proclaimed Islamist Pakistani immigrant in Toronto. I remember the type (usually Pakistani for whatever reason) from high school. One bit in particular caught my eye:

Q) You reject democracy, you support the Taliban and you believe that fundamentalist Islam is the only way to live. So why do you choose to live in Canada, a democratic nation with freedom of religion that is at war with the Taliban? Isn't it hypocritical of you say you believe what you do, while you sit in Toronto enjoying all the benefits of Western society?

A) Yes, I reject democracy and all other forms of governance except Islam. Yes, I support the right of Taliban to live freely and to defend themselves from any invasion based on lies and deceit. And yes it would have had been hypocritical of me to stay in the West had there been an Islamic state and still I would have had been living in the West but since there is no state in the entire world which has complete Islamic system in it and the Islamic world is full of either dictators supported by the West or leaders who are ready to crush any uprising calling for an Islamic system. Therefore it is better to be in the West where at least one can openly preach what he believes in unlike the so called Islamic countries where you can be jailed, tortured and even killed for speaking the truth against the government. Besides I was forced into coming to the West as my parents shifted here and I was not self sufficient enough to provide for myself back home. And believe it or not, me and many Muslims like me are willing to migrate ASAP to an Islamic state as soon as it emerges.


It is my opinion that the West should support the creation of an Islamic state so riffraff (and I do not use the term lightly) like Naeem Muhammad Khan will have somewhere to go where they won't bother the rest of us. The perfect place would be Somalia. Somalia almost had an Islamist government not long ago before the West backed an Ethiopian invasion to topple the short-lived regime. This was a mistake. Somalia is already, excuse the colloqualism, a literally pirate-infested shithole: what do they really have to lose by having an Islamic government? It would in fact serve several valuable functions for the world. One, it would give the people currently hijacking random boats off the coast of East Africa something to do; two, as previously stated, it would give fundamentalist parasites somewhere other than Canada to live; three, the example of a real Islamic state in all its kite-banning glory would actually serve to the world a living advertisement of how pathetic bin Laden's ideal world really is. Of course if the Somali Islamic "Republic" started harbouring terrorists we'd have to send in proxy crusader state Ethiopia again, but what are regional allies for? I support the battle against Islamic fundamentalism; but I hate the generally crass and stupid way the United States has gone about fighting it. It is impossible to fully rid the world of kite-hating pricks like Naeem Muhammad Khan, but it is possible to contain them. Giving them free plane tickets to Somalia would be a good start.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Potential Death Metal Album Title



"Saudi Justice"

Tracklisting:

1. The Camel Before the Storm
2. Swords of Peace
3. Pictures of Mohammed
4. She Looks Good in Black
5. Dead Oasis
6. Do the Hajj (Headstomp)
7. Dune Buggery
8. The Land of Rape and Stoning
9. Sexual Healing (is Forbidden)
10. Ballad of Prince #756
11. It's a Man's Man's Man's World
12. Prelude to a Beheading
13. Dangling Tendons (One More Cut)
14. Gaping Neck Oil Spill
15. The Blood's Congealed
16. Holding American Hands (Happily Ever After)

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Suicide Bomber As Speedy Ejaculator

A review in the Times Literary Supplement provides some fascinating insight into Islamic and Arab sexuality:

One of the sayings attributed to the Prophet Muhammad – “Whenever a male mounts upon a male, the throne of God trembles” – sets the mood for Patanè’s story. Penetration is “the crucial act around which Arab eroticism revolves”, he writes, and the speed at which ejaculation is attained is considered “a sign of virility”. Passivity is thought irreversibly to damage virility: the passive partner is “an inferior completely stripped out of the status of ‘man’”, “a ghostly figure wandering in the margins of society, with no chance of planning a life outside society’s unbreakable laws”.


I think to truly understand the culture and politics of a civilization, one must first examine its sexual hang-ups. If an Israeli-Palestinian peace settlement is to ever hold, the Israelis must recognize that an image of virility matters in tribal cultures. The settlements in the West Bank represent a dick being waved in the face of a culture obsessed with being the cock of the walk. If you're trying to reach a deal with an enemy who feels emasculated if his woman has her face showing to strangers, you should probably stop waving your dick in his face for a start. Arguments about Arabs having better living standards under Israeli rule than in other Middle Eastern countries may be true, but it is not calculations of rights that motivate a suicide-bomber; it is calculations of honour.

That goes for America's presence in the Middle East as well. The argument shouldn't be just about whether Muslims have reasonable grievances against the West. It may not be reasonable to be offended by American soldiers stationed on Saudi soil in order to deter an Iraqi invasion, but that didn't stop Osama bin Laden from making it his top excuse for 9/11. The prime intellectual contribution of Freud was to remind the Western world that people are not purely, or even mostly rational beings. Ironically many Muslims might agree with his psychoanalytical view of Man as inherently sex-motivated, given that the justification for the hijab is that a man cannot help but sexualize any woman who is not covered in shapeless black robes. Once American foreign policy starts recognizing such basic facts of human nature and cultural psychology, perhaps it will stop using explosive phallic symbols to liberate countries obsessed with being the top penetrator.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Obstacle #568 To Civil Society In Iraq


Stats Courtesy of Facebook.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mission Impossible Afghanistan

As much as I'd like to support Canada's mission in Afghanistan, I'm finding it harder and harder with each soldier's death. I say I'd like to because I supported the original war in Afghanistan, and I think a just and winnable conflict can spur the positive development of a nation's identity. Such was Canada's role at Vimy Ridge in World War I, a defining moment in the development of a Canadian identity independent from Britain. It's not the quantity of deaths that necessarily makes me opposed to the war. It is the right of human beings to choose how they wish to live and die, and soldiers who choose to risk theirs on the battlefield don't deserve to have that choice taken away by pacifists who'd rather die slipping in the shower. On a personal level I would rather not fight in a war, but I think it is less hypocritical to respect those who do than to despise the warrior tradition for the warriors' own supposed benefit. It should go without saying, but perhaps it doesn't, that without the liberal West's warrior tradition the lights would've stayed out across Europe in the 1940s. The patriotism and traditional masculine values espoused by the military class may make elements of the left uncomfortable, but Nazi world conquest would've made them even more uncomfortable I'd like to think. Additionally, it's a bit ironic that the pacifist left, with its emphasis on multiculturalism, sidesteps the uncomfortable fact that many cultures are in fact geared around a warrior tradition.

That being said, my opposition to the mission in Afghanistan is not based, like the NDP, on a knee-jerk despisal of any pre-postmodern values. Rather I think the problem is that pre-postmodern values--valour, brotherhood, patriotism, moral choice--are being deployed to support a cause that is in fact more in tune with NDP sensibilities, even if it's too rough around the edges for them to admit. Namely the idea of fighting to protect a Western conception of human rights for peoples who generally do not share this conception. With the ongoing violence in Iraq I think it is rather empirical to say that some cultures, though there are obviously exceptions when it comes to individuals, value democracy and individual freedoms less than sectarian solidarity and their traditional religious-patriarchical power structures. This is not solely a matter of Islam, although obviously religion plays a strong role in culture. If the goal of the Iraq war was simply to liberate and protect the Kurds, a Muslim people, it would've been a winnable mission. This is because the Kurds have proven themselves capable of maintaining a mostly civil and stable society without the use of a dictatorship. Historically, the Germans and Japanese, despite obvious aberrations, have proven capable of the same, which is the major reason why the post-World War II reconstruction efforts succeeded there while failing in Iraq.

I think the war in Afghanistan was justified--not for humanitarian reasons, though the despicability of the Taliban regime was certainly added justification. Rather it was justified because by harbouring and refusing to relinquish Osama bin Laden the Taliban had engaged in an act of war. Perhaps without Iraq the West would have been able to devote enough focus to Afghanistan to turn it into a peace-loving democracy as a bonus to defeating a hostile regime. Maybe. But in addition to reducing the focus on Afghanistan, the war in Iraq has also inflamed the situation there by proving the effectiveness of suicide bombings as means to weaken the occupier's will. As allies of the Northern Alliance, one could argue that the West has a moral obligation to assist those forces that assisted in the deposition of the Taliban. Much like it had a moral obligation to help the Kurds when it encouraged their anti-Saddam rebellion, but failed to do so. Yet like Iraq, Afghanistan is less a nation-state than a convenient label for a patchwork of mutually hostile ethnicities. Pretending that we can unite all these hostile ethnicities under our benevolent banner is looking more and more like a pipe dream. The best we can hope to do is aid those national groups with a pro-Western orientation and a tradition conducive to democracy, rather than trying to assist those to whom our assistance is nothing but an insult. Dying to defend a beleaguered, friendly people is one thing; dying to defend the unity of a geographical fiction is another.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dealing With Suicide Bombers, Judge Dredd Style


Friday, May 11, 2007

Least Intimidating Militant Group Ever

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Recommended Book Of The Day



Challenging De Gaulle: The O.A.S and the Counter-Revolution in Algeria, 1954-1962
by Alexander Harrison

Choice Quotes:

"'Martin was the dean of conspirators in France. He had conspiracy in his blood. He had conspired against every regime and would even conspire against himself if he came to power one day.'"

"The image that Susini has of Canal is that of a man who would take a bomb with a lighted fuse and stroll through one city after another looking for an opportunity to explode it. Reportedly, 'He adored seeing things explode.'"

"'I can't tell you who actually killed Levy, but it happened two or three times... For there were dozens of men named Levy in Algiers in those days. I think that before we found the real Levy we must have killed two or three others.'"

"Cabero-Borgia once claimed--and it may not have been a complete exaggeration--that Algerians and peid-noirs often frequent the same cafes with the express purpose of insulting one another."

"Following the events of 1962, former Delta chieftain Joseph Rizza underwent a period of intense soul-searching. Vowing to never take arms again, he entered a monastery. Two years later he emerged to apply for a position as a policeman in Nice."

"'Algeria should have been forced to Westernize. In time it might have become the Pennsylvania of the Maghrib.'"

"His commitment is lifelong. Even if the world were to end tomorrow, Martel would still be writing newsletters."

"'Squeezing the trigger of a gun was like flushing the toilet.'"

Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Mangiest Mastermind



Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to being the "mastermind" behind the 9/11 attacks and 30 other plots, officially making him the shlubbiest, mangiest mastermind in history. Looking like a cross between Ron Jeremy, Super Mario and a bear-skin rug, this hirsute monstrosity will surely scare off even the 72 pliant virgins that await him in heaven. He would be rejected by the Plumber's Union for not meeting standards of physical decency. The hair on his torso resembles the pubic matte of the most slovenly of testicles. That he seemingly went out of his way to wear a shirt with such a ridiculously stretched neck hole seems to indicate his pride in defying such Western blasphemies as physique-appropriate garb. Why must women wear the chador while their so-called protectors tease the eye with all the modesty of a peacock? Swarthy may be sexy in some cultures, but even Sicilians have the decency to only undo their top few buttons. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you should die for crimes against fashion alone.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Secret Map Of Islamic World Domination


Click to zoom.

Ten Suprising Aspects Of Islamic World Domination

1. Denmark will still generously be granted dominion over Greenland--though it will be reduced to a blackened crater
2. Canada will be incorporated into the United States, to be henceforth known as "United Amorphous Mass of Women, Jews and Other Things We Don't Like"
3. Japan will be renamed "Bye Bye Kitty, Hello Quran"
4. Ocean and sea will apparently become synonyms
5. Israel will continue to exist (even after 100 years)!
6. A giant Islamic flag will be built off the northern coast of Turkey to be visible from space
7. All cartoonists will be exiled to the Philippines, to be renamed Simpsonia
8. That island north of Scandinavia will be renamed "Place Where Gays Are Sent to Freeze"
9. Brazil will be nuked for possessing too many scantily-clad sexy women
10. In order to ease the pain of banning music, kites, sex for pleasure and Jews, cookies will be freely distributed to all*

See also: Secret Map of the Elders of Zion

* Though the cookies will be made of camel hooves

Monday, September 18, 2006

We Highly Protest Your Highly Protest



I would like to issue a short response to the statement by the Mujahedeen Shura Council, the umbrella group led by Iraq's branch of al Qaeda that "you [the Pope] and the West are doomed as you can see from the defeat in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya and elsewhere... We will break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose head tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion (to Islam) or (killed by) the sword."

Firstly, the Pope is in fact probably doomed, but I think the West has a few more rounds left in it. While we are almost certainly doomed in Iraq, I think we still have a chance in Afghanistan, and Russia is far too merciless to give up on Chechnya. Secondly, feel free to break up the cross but please don't spill the liquor. That's just wasteful. Crosses can be repaired but spilled liquor will evaporate, and then no one's happy. Lastly, head should not be taxed. You're really not going to win many hearts and minds by promising to raise taxes, nor by getting the government involved in the bedrooms of the nation. That's just bad policy.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Blowing The Horn Of Africa



Somalia has been in the news lately, with an Islamist militia staking claim over that anarchic battlefield of a country. There's also news that Ethiopian troops have entered the country to protect the secular but powerless transitional government. In response, some of the Somali militants have been calling for holy war against Ethiopia. What will the effect be in North America? I can only hope armed gangs of Rastafarian buffalo soldiers will rush to enlist in the Ethiopian army, as the Nation of Islam rushes to join the Somalis in response. Sadly this seems unlikely, as the Rastafarians didn't do much to save their beloved Emperor Haile Selassie (the living embodiment of Jah) when he was deposed by communists in 1974 and buried under a latrine.

Although I'm resolutely pro-Ethiopian--it's long been my favourite country in Africa--I think the best solution for all parties concerned is to let the Islamists take power in Somalia. If the new government supports terrorist actions against the West, then foreign intervention might become necessary. But if they're only concerned with rebuilding order in their country and cracking down on anti-Islamic activities like kite-flying and laughter, fine. If recent history has taught us anything, it's that democracy is not for everyone. Imposing democracy on a country of fundamentalist Muslims will only lead to the election of an undemocratic fundamentalist Muslim government. Somalia has no historical foundation for democracy: no Enlightenment, no Magna Carta, no separation of church and state. Their civilizational glue is Islam, and secular democracy will inevitably be tarred as a foreign imposition. It may not be a rational stance, but rationality has rarely been the dominant force in that part of the world.

Given time, the Somalis may grow tired of being denied alcohol, strippers and public displays of affection. Then grassroots support for a democratic and secular government might develop. Or it might not. But the existence of a fanatical Islamic regime in the region wouldn't be all bad for the West. Given the Taliban as an example, there's no doubt that the Somali regime would be anti-fun, anti-women and anti-everything else that makes life worth living. Yet this is what some people want. To these people, the governments of the world should collectively say: there you go, there's your ideal state. All fanatics who find living amidst bare-necked women and flagrant displays of kite-flying should be provided with free tickets to Somalia. There they can wreck one small corner of the globe without bothering the rest of it. As for the Somalis who aren't happy with the Islamist government, they should be allowed to leave as the anti-party party arrives. What will be left will be a pure Islamic state for pious fanatics to flock to, moderates to learn from and the rest of the world to happily ignore.

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Global Axis Of Evil


Click to zoom.

If there's one thing that distracts George W. Bush while he's trying to masturbate, it's the thought of evildoers out there plotting destruction. But you know what would really make him plotz? If the whole world was overtaken by the Axis of Evil! Not just Godless North Koreans and Wrong-Godded Iranians, but fascists, communists, cultists, mafiosos, lesbians, cannibals, Mounties, drug cartels, Jacobins, gangsters, rhinos, Inquisitors, pirates, terrorists, barbarians, Nazis, trickster gods and irredentists of all shapes and sizes! In contemplating what such a world would look like, I created the map above. Here's a brief run-down of the conspiring countries:

Amazon Logging Company Holdings: The Brazilian rainforest becomes property of heartless corporations... if it isn't already!
Anglostan: Now it's the British turn to be a colony!
Aztlan: The Mexicans become heart-ripping Aztecs again!
Ba'ath League: The Arab fascists are back!
Barbary Pirate State: Yarr!
Bin Laden Arabia: Bin Laden takes Arabia from the House of Saud!
Camp X-Ray: All of Cuba is incorporated into the official home of America's unwanted!
Cannibal Island: New Guinea reverts to its primordial state!
Cobra Island: The Cobras of G.I. Joe fame stake out their territory!
Confederate Slave Depot: West Africa becomes the new Confederacy's labour source!
Confederate States of America: The Confederacy is back!
Darkland: Greenland turns... dark!
Daulah Islamiyah Nusantara: Islamofascists take Indonesia!
Death Squad Roaming Grounds: Central America returns to its natural state!
Domain of the Penguin: The Penguin of Batman fame takes a slice of Antarctica as his personal fiefdom!
Empire of the Shining Path: The Shining Path guerrillas turn Peru into a neo-Inca Maoist empire!
Escobar Cartel Territory: Colombia becomes the official, not just unofficial, drug factory of the world!
Ethniklashistan: Multicultural southern Canada explodes in civil war!
Falkland Junta: The military-sheep complex takes control of the Falklands!
Fascist Imperium: Mussolini finally gets his empire!
Genosha: Mutants are used as slaves on the island of Genosha!
Golden Horde: The Mongols are tired of not raping and pillaging!
Greater North Korea: North Korea expands!
Greater Yukon Mounted Police State: The merciless Mounties seize the Canadian North!
Gynocracy of New Lesbos: The lesbians seize some obscure islands for a homeland!
Holy Papacy of Iberia: The Inquisition is back!
Icelantis: Iceland is sinking!
Idi Amin's Private Estate: Idi Amin is hungry, and you're on the menu!
Incorporated Markets of the Japanese Imperial Co-Prosperity Sphere: The Japanese are tired of sublimating their violent energes into making electronics!
Islamic Empire of Iran: Iran continues to exist!
Island for the Criminally Insane: Tasmania becomes Australia's Australia!
Jacobin France: The guillotine is out and heads will roll!
Janjaweed Killing Fields: The Janjaweed kill to ride and ride to kill!
Kingdom of Kurtz: Mad Colonel Kurtz takes Southeast Asia!
Latveria: Dr. Doom is out to conquer the world!
League of War Criminals: Peronists, ex-Nazis and assorted generals unite to rule Argentina!
Loki's Realm: The trickster god reclaims his Scandinavian throne!
Magog: The Bible was right!
Militia League: The gun-mad militias seize the American Northwest!
Murder Inc.: The gangsters overrun the American Northeast!
Mussolinia: Mussolini retakes Ethiopia!
Nation of Islam: The Nation of Islam becomes an actual nation!
Nazi Germany: The Nazis are back!
New Sodom: San Francisco declares independence!
Newfoundempire: The Newfies dream of empire!
Opium Coast: The Chinese coast returns to its opium fixation!
Orthodox Republic of Rasputina: The mad monk lives!
People's Republic of China: The People's Republic of China continues to exist!
People's Theocracy of Jonestown: Jim Jones lives, and he's turned Guyana into his Kool-Aid consuming kingdom!
Prison Island: Australia reembraces its criminal origins!
Rhino Kingdom: The Rhinos, archenemies of Babar, maintain their cruel kingdom!
Rhodesia: Cecil Rhodes returns from the dead to enslave Africans!
Quebec: Quebec achieves independence!
Santa's Slave State: Santa enslaves elves in the North Pole!
Skull Island: King Kong lives!
South Afrika: Apartheid returns!
Soviet Alaska: The Ruskies retake Alaska!
Soviet Canuckistan: The true (red) colour of Canada revealed!
Spahn Kingdom: Charles Manson breaks out of jail and takes Southern Cali!
Struthersland: Sally Struthers builds her East African domicile!
Talibanstan: The Taliban are back! (Did they ever even leave?)
Tamil Tiger Isle: The Tamil Tigers take Sri Lanka!
Thuggeestan: Those mad murderous priests of Kali are back!
Triad Columbia: The Asian Triads remove the British from British Columbia!
Union of Soviet Stalinist Gulags: It's time to repopulate Siberia!
United Tentacles of Cthulhu: The extraterrestrial elder gods buried in secret ruins beneath Antarctica emerge!
Vichy France: The French go fascist (again)!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Darker Side Of Multiculturalism

Sadly to say, I'm not surprised in the least by the recent arrests in Toronto of suspected homegrown terrorists. I was in high school when 9/11 happen, and I can well remember the gleeful reactions of certain schoolmates. Not to say this was exclusively a Muslim phenomenon: the most disgraceful display was the cheery laughter of a Serb who hated both Muslims and Americans (as well as Canadians, Jews and pretty much everyone else). I recall my arguments with a Jordanian who talked about how America deserved it, how Canada meant nothing to him, how he only lived here because his parents moved here, etc. He was born in Canada, mind you, but I will not use the hyphenated phrase Jordanian-Canadian because he did not classify himself as Canadian and frankly, he didn't deserve to be.

What got me going the most when I read about the arrests was that several of the suspects were Somali. Somalia is currently just a name on a map: it is not a functional country and has no working government. Its capital, Mogadishu, is run by warlords and is probably the most dangerous place on Earth. So you'd think Somali immigrants, taken in by Canada, would be somewhat appreciative of the benefits accrued here. I'm sure many (perhaps most, I have no way of knowing) Somalis are. But the fact that at least some aren't, and to such a radical degree, reflects a problem rarely dealt with in public discussions about immigration.

Namely, accepting refugees is considered a humanitarian action and rightly so. Yet among the people fleeing the poor conditions of their home country for a new start, there are inevitably some who bring the problems of their homeland with them. This can be seen in the recent spate of gun violence in Toronto, which disproportionately involves the Jamaican community. You'd have to be an ostrich to deny any correlation with the disproportionately high rates of gun violence in Jamaica. Here in Hamilton, where I live, a large part of the drug trade is run by Vietnamese and other Southeast Asians. As far back as Grade 7 I can remember the presence of Southeast Asian pseudo-gangs with catchy names like the Oriental Blood Brothers. Why was it Vietnamese and not Chinese or Koreans who became "Oriental Blood Brothers"? I don't know, but I'd hazard to say it has something to do with the differences of culture we as Canadians are supposed to be celebrating.

I don't believe that immigration should be curtailed because of the actions of some. But I'm also disgusted by the unwillingness to engage in any sort of public debate surrounding these sorts of facts, which are obvious to anyone who has at least attended the public school system in the last decade. Is it a racist statement for me to say that the few racists I've encountered in Canada have mostly been immigrants who brought their homegrown prejudices with them? Perhaps in the United States arguments about institutionalized racism and a system prejudiced against minorities hold some weight. But Canada, I'm confident in saying, is one of the least if not the least racist country on Earth, and if that happy status quo changes a large proportion of the blame belongs to these Toronto terrorists (if they are indeed guilty) and other self-defamers who seem to feel it their duty to live up to the worst stereotypes.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mohammed Yousaf Qureshi, I'm Calling You On Your Bullshit

In response to the million-dollar bounty placed on the head of Danish cartoonists by Pakistani "prayer leader" Mohammed Yousaf Qureshi, I'd like to announce my counter-bounty. Anyone who hits Mohammed Yousaf Qureshi in the face with a pie, preferably in the middle of leading prayers, will get $50 and a signed letter of appreciation from me. I know it's not a million dollars, and I know the pie-assassin will probably be doomed to a lifetime on the run from assorted Islamic virgin-seekers, but I feel it's the least I can do in the face of the flagrant douchebaggery emanating from Qureshi's dirty mouth.

Listen, dude: I understand you feel obligated as a macho religious prick to call for the deaths of people you never met to protest cartoons you've probably never seen, but you need to understand that, in the classroom of the world, you're the unwashed delinquent wearing a dunce cap in the corner. Nobody likes you, nobody thinks you're cool, nobody's impressed. Your country has just recently been hit by a terrible earthquake, people are homeless, dying in the cold, and you're worried about... cartoons. Mohammed Yousaf Qureshi, I'm calling you on your bullshit. You're a bad person and a bad Muslim, and you've done more to defame your own religion than any petty Scandinavian shit-disturber ever could. Dick.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Jihad 2006: Best Of The Protests


The Message: "Drawing Mohammad wearing a bomb as a turban is a blatant act of disrespect to the religious beliefs of millions, so to protest we're going to draw a burning Star of David as a blatant act of disrespect to the religious beliefs of millions. P.S. Jesus roolz"


The Message: "No, no, no, don't phunk with my heart."


The Message: "One love."


The Message: "Let's use our freedom to protest to protest freedom!"


The Message: "United Nations supervision is needed to protect us from Danish rapists."


The Message: "To spice up the bland Danish flag, we added some footprints and calligraphy and shit. Art class rules!"


The Message: "Pink: it's the new Green."


The Message: "Pot, meet kettle."


The Message: "Muslim and lesbian and happy."


The Message: "It is OK to bash Muslims... not!"


The Message: "Mohammad is fabulous!"


The Message: "Fight for your right to party! And exterminate those who slander Islam!"


The Message: "Forget Denmark, blame France!"


The Message: "Forget Denmark, blame Canada!"

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Denmark Has Finally Gone Too Far



"Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started."
- Former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

The Danes, those perennial shit-disturbers of northern Europe, have done it again. First they dared fix their flag on Hans Island, an integral part of Canada Eternal. After being routed like the bottom-tier barbarians they are, they then turned their bullying to what they thought would be an easier target: the Muslim world. But like Canada, the Ummah (House of Islam) doesn't take kindly to the provocations of godless infidels. After the Danish paper Jyllands-Posten dared to publish offensive cartoons of the prophet Muhammad--and the Danish government refused to apologize for this blatant act of free speech--protests have erupted throughout the Muslim world. Masked gunmen took over the E.U. office in Gaza, Libya closed its Danish embassy, labour strikes and riots gripped Pakistan, two employees of Denmark-based Arla Foods were beaten by angry customers and a roadside bomb targeted a joint Danish-Iraqi patrol.

Finally Canada has an ally in its struggle against the imperious Norsemen. Together, as a united Islamo-Canadian front, we will feed feed them death and hell. Our first course of action should be to immediately join the Muslim boycott of Danish foods, including popular cream cheese, butter and cookie brands. If the Danish warmongers don't immediately buckle under the combined weight of a Islamo-Canadian boycott, then more extreme measures must be taken. Canada should enlist Jihadists from training camps around the world to form Mujahedeen units to fight for our Arctic sovereignty. After safely securing Hans Island, the next logical objective should be to liberate Greenland as a Canadian protectorate and eventual eleventh province. To placate our Wahhabi brethren, sharia law should be imposed on the island's estimated 56,375 inhabitants. From there it's a stone's throw to Iceland, the historical stepping stone to the Danish heartland.

Should Canada go further? Should the Brigade of Canadian Jihad seek the wholesale conquest of Denmark? In the face of such flagrant belligerence on the part of the Norsemen, the answer can only be yes. The crescent of Islam and the maple leaf of Canada must annex, once and for all, the unholy peninsula of the Danish crusader state. After the execution of Queen Margrethe II and other war criminals, Islamo-Canadian colonization of arable land and the forced conversion of the native population, a gradual process of self-rule may be granted. This depends on Danish attitudes toward their new overlords and their fealty to the word of Allah and Trudeau, his messenger. The Danes have already dug their own grave with their reckless warmongering against the Canadian and Islamic peoples. The only question now is whether it will be so deep as to wipe away any trace of Danish civilization from the globe.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Syriana: A Review In The Spirit Of The Film



WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Oil! Assassinations! Boom! Clooney! Tehran! Beards! Farsi! Parties! The Middle East! Drowning! Fandango! Machinations! Oil! Zoink! Lawyers! Texas! Ugh! Arms dealers! Plummer! Sheets! Dunes! Egads! The Casbah! Damon! Mergers! Deserts! Migrant workers! Kaboom! Doctor from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine! Explosions! Torture! Sand! USA! Corruption! Justice Department! Sheik Yerbouti! Cute kids! Spanish villas! Okay! Emirs! Emus! Ha! Congress! Mosques! Hurt! Gangsta rap! Natural gas! CIA! Beirut! Veils! Death! Conspiracy! What! Lies! Set ups! The Chinese! Oil! Occidentals! Pakistanis! Meetings! Muslims! The Desert Fox! Oil! Kazakhstan! Borat! Princes! Hezbollah! Politics! Clooney! Terrorists! Allah! Geneva! $$$! Foosball! Suits! Pow! Clerics! Industry! Suicide bombers! Bollocks! Power! Aladdin! 9-11! Nazi gold! Boobs! Simon! Garfunkel! Controversy! Yeah! Paunch! Old men! Pliers! Fingernails! Ouch! Oil! Peet! Eazy-E! Arabs! Expletives! Clooney! Black gold! Sharif don't like it! Missiles! Akbar! Oil! Hot man-meat! Clooney! Spies! KGB! Oil! Washington! Persian Gulf! Dollar dollar bill y'all! What the hell is going on!?