Attack Of The Suicide Girls

Suicide Girl strikes in Iraq
Wednesday, 28 September 2005

At least eight people have been killed in the first attack by a female suicide bomber during Iraq's insurgency.

Witnesses and army officers said the attacker pushed her way into a crowd at an army recruitment centre in Talafar, northern Iraq.

An internet message purporting to be from the Islamo-burlesque group Suicide Girls claimed a "blessed sister" mounted the attack on its behalf.

The bomber, Xaverina al-Absinthe, is reported to have triggered the bomb through a sophisticated trigger in her lip ring.

The Game: The Newest In A Great Line Of Dreamers

In former 50 Cent protégé and Triple H-wannabe The Game's hit song "Dreams," the young visionary compares himself to some other prominent dreamers. Some of his choices (Martin Luther King Jr.) are unimpeachable, others (Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and Aaliyah) less so. I guess it's too early to see if Aaliyah's two or three hits will lead to a lasting legacy comparable to Martin Luther King's, but for his sake--not to mention that of the cultural integrity of Western civilization--I certainly hope not. Don't get me wrong, I thought that "Try Again" song had some hypnotic rhythms, but Martin Luther King just had a more thorough discography.

Like The Game, I think we've all had dreams of "fuckin' an R&B bitch like Mya." Still, I can't help but feel there are certain dreamers who aspired to more in life. If The Game ever decides to feature me on a DJ Clue remix, I'd like to add the following names to his list: Woodrow Wilson (dreamed of an international organization dedicated to world peace), Mahatma Gandhi (dreamed of a free India), Simón Bolívar (dreamed of a united independent Latin America), Catherine the Great (dreamed of a Russia equal to the West), Spartacus (dreamed of a slave uprising against Rome), Theodor Herzl (dreamed of a Jewish state), Stan Lee (dreamed of some very memorable superheroes), Jules Vernes (dreamed of submarines, Moon landings and other innovations) Buckminster Fuller (dreamed of geodesic domes), Dr. Victor von Doom (dreamed of a world united under his iron fist), Tony Yayo and Ashanti.

Just in case anyone was wondering, I was kidding about a couple of those. The end-result of Woodrow Wilson's internationalist dream was the lameduck League of Nations, which the United States never even ended up joining. As for Catherine the Great, her piecemeal efforts at Westernization resulted in lots of wealth and art for the gentry while doing nothing for the slave-like status of the serfs. And don't even get me started about Gandhi. I'd take Tony Yayo over that urine-drinking traitor to Britannia any day.

Crescent Flame In The Ectoplasm

Click to look inside.

Bring Out The Blowtorch, It's Another Bloody Birthday For Ben

My birthday's tomorrow so mail me slices of peanut butter and chocolate cake. Candles, especially the Roman kind, would also be nice. Strings, banners, cards, cattle, mice named Chuck E. Cheese: all acceptable gifts as well. Wrap yourself in a ribbon and show up on my doorstep if you'd like. The party will never stop... until it does. But we don't have to think about that because it's difficult. Birthdays shouldn't be difficult. So rejoice and sing songs like "Happy Birthday" by the Birthday Party, "Big Jesus Trach Can" by the Birthday Party, "Zoo Music Girl" by the Birthday Party and "Mutiny in Heaven" by the Birthday Party. But don't sing the original "Happy Birthday" because that guy gets enough royalties as it is.

Other people with birthdays on September 20 include Mussolini's former lover Sophia Loren, jazzman Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton, Chinese general/president/dictator Yuan She-k'ai, Scottish explorer Mungo Park, attractive female Asia Argento and former King of Thailand Chulalongkorn. All of them are dead or soon will be. That's kind of depressing. On the plus side I'll be the only person alive with a birthday on September 20. So the news turns good again. Other good songs by the Birthday Party include "Release the Bats," "The Friend Catcher," "Hamlet (Pow, Pow, Pow)" and "Pleasure Avalanche."

What I've Done In Life (So Far)

Sir Richard Francis Burton translated Arabian Nights and the Kama Sutra into English, spoke 29 languages, served as British consul in numerous countries around the world, co-founded the Anthropological Society of London, got knighted, helped discover the Great Lakes of Africa, snuck into Mecca, wrote numerous books and was the third best European swordsman of his time. I decided to see how I stacked up by making lists of my comparable accomplishments. Keep in mind that although I've arbitrarily divided accomplishments into the Good, Bad & Ugly categories, many probably apply to all three.

The Good:
• Got third place in a colouring contest sponsored by 7-11
• Seen many a concert, including my two favourite bands (Modest Mouse and Jane's Addiction)
• Briefly met Dan Akroyd
• Eaten Chinese, Thai, Indian, Moroccan, Israeli, Greek, German, Scottish, Yemenite, Italian, Mexican, Japanese, Jewish, Druze and Lebanese food
• Beat Golden Axe on Sega Genesis
• Been to Disneyworld
• Sang "Welcome to the Jungle" at a dive karaoke bar
• Gone on road trips
• Met King Kong Bundy
• Gotten crunk
• Given many well-received birthday presents
• Been in a live studio audience of the Craig Kilborn show
• Been to both American coasts
• Never believed in Santa Claus
• Seen many breasts
• Had real convictions
• Read a lot of books
• Thrown a party
• Owned an Atari Lynx
• Eaten some great expensive meals
• Generally tried to be nice to people
• Won many political arguments with idiots
• Had a project to design an island in grade four and drew it in the shape of a nerdy face with glasses that were rivers and boogers that were islands; teacher rejected it for being too disgusting
• Found ten dollars on the road while walking home drunk
• Been to Israel
• Listened to a lot of music
• Started a class discussion on why math is useless and shouldn't be taught in grade four (main thesis: we should just use calculators!)
• Did a bang-up job supervising a giant inflatable slide
• Had a steady girlfriend
• Coloured a Jesus black to protest a religious colouring exercise in Grade 6
• Been to New York
• Never liked truly shit music
• Said to a shivering, ridiculously slutty-dressed girl "You look cold, want to borrow my pants?"
• Chugged Absinthe
• Slept with a (seven years) older woman
• Volunteered at a hospital for the elderly
• Graduated from high school
• Got my groove on
• Had Purple Haze all in my brain
• Rode a camel
• Hung out with a wide variety of types of people
• Rode a donkey
• Been earnestly called a pimp by a set of wiggers
• Been outside the celebrity pre-screening of the movie Kingpin in Rhode Island
• Been to California
• Rode an elephant
• Had a paper so well-written the professor baselessly accused me of plagiarism
• Felt at one with the universe for half a second
• Snuck into bars
• Drank a beer someone I didn't like had grudgingly offered me, then (accidentally) spilled said beer
• Been a camp counsellor
• Gotten into university
• Seen a million faces and rocked them all
• Swam under a waterfall
• Was the only one to know what the Boxer Rebellion was in Grade 11 history
• Shannon
• Thrown shoes that were thrown at me off a balcony
• Gone temporarily insane (in the good, excited, manic way)
• Had a Bar Mitzvah
• Shot J.R.
• Been in three-day car rides to Winnipeg and Florida
• Ad-libbed a presentation I hadn't prepared for and got an A
• Had numerous illuminating, eye-opening discussions that I can't remember
• Gotten articles published
• Had a brilliant (not in the mental sense), beautiful dog
• Been to Lollapalooza
• Discovered Greenland

The Bad:
• Stolen pogs
• Been punched in the stomach
• Been punched in the face
• Went through a manic-depressive spell (over the course of a day!)
• Been tested for A.D.D.
• Hyperventilated
• Been conned out of 20 bucks
• Had a cool toy for Show and Tell but lied because I was shy and said I hadn't brought one
• Lost my wallet
• Felt how Jim Morrison felt in "People Are Strange"
• Been caught smoking weed by a parent... in the house
• Stayed indoors on sunny days
• Became friends with a possibly psychotic drug addict
• Got -13% (yes, minus!) on a high school English assignment
• Had mental breakdowns
• Was a bit chubby for a period of time
• Had a close encounter with a manic crackhead
• Gotten lost in the big city
• Missed many opportunities because of fear
• Melted a plastic tray in the oven
• Broke a plate by over-scrubbing then hid the evidence
• Given in to peer pressure
• Been banned from drinking establishments
• Got a mark of 37% on my Grade 9 math exam
• Sipped the remainders of people's wine while they were dancing at a family wedding
• Was a fervent believer in the cooties myth in Grade 2
• Spent an inordinate amount of time on the Internet
• Lost two jackets, only once being drunk
• Been exploited by moochers
• Participated in acts of bullying when young
• Fought the law (the law won)
• Been dropped off drunk in a place far from home
• Got all paranoid at a bar while high and had to flee
• Given too much thought to irrelevant crap
• Gotten a sock stuck in a vacuum cleaner
• Put hoes before bros

The Ugly:
• Had stomach surgery (as a baby)
• Had hip surgery (as a teenager)
• Puked because of hunger
• Matched wits with an insane person
• Saw a Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant vehicle in theaters
• Watched a lot of wrestling in my youth
• Designed scenarios for Civilization II
• Slept with a fat girl
• Peed on my changers as a baby (allegedly)
• Saw someone get hit by a car and taken away dead
• Swallowed a bug in my sleep (probably)
• Wiped a small child's ass
• Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die

More to come, once my memory's been tapped.

The Love Below Vs. Der Radio-Kasten

Take a whole lot of funky fresh Atlanta-bred hip-hop.



Add a dash of funky fascist Berlin-bred propaganda.



And we have an all new, thought-provoking cover for Outkast's double-disc masterpiece, Speakerboxx/The Love Below!

Secret Map Of The Elders Of Zion

Click to zoom.

"Mussolini went so far as to believe that there existed 'heads' of international Jewry and instructed Sacerdoti [leader of the Italian Jewish community] to organize a meeting with them for the purpose of reaching an agreement between Hitler and the Jews; the unfortunate rabbi was forced to inform him that, in fact, there were no such heads, the Jews not being organized on an international level."
- Mussolini and the Jews, pg. 33, Meir Michaelis

Uniquely among all major minorities, only the Jews have been complimented with the lofty ambition of seeking world domination. This trend really came to a head with the "discovery" of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a document forged by Czarist secret police in the late 19th century to discredit opposition movements, detract attention from a faltering regime and as an excuse draw cool pictures of snakes. Since then, groups that actually espouse world domination--Nazis, Islamic radicals, the Ford corporation--as well as crypto-envious cranks--Canadian aboriginal meathead David Ahenakew, former Malaysian autocrat Mahathir Mohamad--have used the concepts of the Protocols to build the Jews up as the Rome to their Carthage, the Yin to their Yang.

One of the strangest historical consequences of the Protocols was the Fugu Plan, seriously considered in pre-World War 2 Japanese militarist circles. To help control newly conquered territories while earning the investments and gratitude of the international Jewish conspiracy, a group of generals called for the colonization of European Jewish refugees in Japanese-occupied Manchuria. Unfortunately the Japanese plan to exploit Jewish financial know-how fell aside once World War 2 began, and the Protocols did not achieve the ultimate historical irony of simultaneously inspiring the destroyers of Jews (the Nazis) and their potential saviours (the Japanese). All in one Axis too!

Ignoring the issues the conspiracy theorists ignore--plausibility, motive and above all logistics--I've sometimes wondered what the imagined Jewish-dominated world might look like. How would the continents be divied up? Would countries be renamed? What would be done with Judenrein places like Greenland and Papua New Guinea? What would the new flags look like? Would all the pigs be slaughtered? Would the new world capital be New York, Hollywood or Jerusalem? Could I get Bermuda? Well now, thanks to the Secret Map of the Elders of Zion, I know.

In compiling this map, I tried whenever possible to partition lands to their pre-existing Jewish groups. So in Africa, the Lemba, Sefwi and Adayudaya, tribes which converted to Judaism, are granted nationhood. The allocation of other territories--to the Ashkenazi and Sephardi in Europe, to the Bnei Menashe and Bene Ephraim in India, the Gruzim in the Caucasus, the Temani in Yemen, the Bene Roma in Italy, etc.--was similarly straightforward. Obviously in a lot of cases (Japan, Scandinavia, most of Africa, and so on) I had to improvise using imagination and bad puns.

The small painting next to the Sheol Penal Colony is a miniaturized version of "Hitler in Hell" by George Grosz. The picture above the Secret Islands of the Elders of Zion is of one of their greatest disciples, Dr. Victor von Doom. The rest of the pictures and flags were taken from various corners of the Internet. Since some of the text might be hard to read, here's a list of all the newly-created countries and the regions they occupy:

GLOSSARY:

Abayudaya:
Ugandan tribe that converted to Judaism.

Abravenelia:
The Abravanel family were prominent Sephardis who claimed descent from King David.

Ararat:
A ninteenth-century attempt by Mordecai Noah (hence the name) to start a Jewish refuge in northern New York state.

Ashkenaz:
Jewish term for the Germanic region of Europe.

Azareth:
Legendary dwelling-place of the lost tribes.

Bene Ephraim:
Tribe of Indian Jews.

Bene Mosheh:
Lost Jewish tribe described by ninth century traveller and fabulist Eldad ha-Dani; inspiration for the Prester John myth.

Bene Roma:
Term for Italian Jewry.

Birobidzhan Oblast:
Wasteland set aside as a Jewish "autonomous region" by Stalin.

Bnei Menashe:
Northeast Indian tribe claiming descent from the lost tribe of Menasseh.

Bupkis:
Yiddish for nothing.

Chalastan:
Chala is the term for the Bukharan Jews of Central Asia. It's also the name of the traditional egg bread eaten on the Sabbath.

Chiang-Min:
Possible lost tribe in Tibet.

Daggatun:
Saharan tribe of Jewish descent.

Dominion of Cohenada:
Leonard Cohen is an esteemed Canadian singer-songwriter-poet of Jewish descent.

Falasha Empire:
The Falasha are Ethiopian Jews.

Gefilte Ocean:
Gefiltefish is a traditional Jewish delicacy.

Goldberg Coast:
The Gold Coast was the name for a region on the West African coast.

Goldland:
Greenland.

Great Shvitz:
A shvitz, like the Sahara desert, is a very hot place.

Greater Israel:
A common conspiracy theory speaks of plans for a "Greater Israel" which will dominate the Middle East.

Gruzim:
Term for Georgian Jews.

Hebraguay:
Terrible pun on one of South America's famous 'guays.

Heroddines:
The Philippines were named for King Philip of Spain. Herod is a famous Judean king.

Hirschland:
The philanthropist Baron Hirsch sponsored Jewish colonization in Argentina.

Israeli Guyana:
The new and improved French Guyana.

Israeli Indochina:
A deft take on French Indochina.

J.A.P.-an:
No comment.

Jewfoundland:
Move along now.

Judaysia:
Terrible pun on Malaysia.

Judean Congo:
A deft take on the Belgian Congo.

Judeoguay:
Terrible pun on one of South America's famous 'guays.

Judeonesia:
Terrible pun on Indonesia.

Kahanist Isles:
The Kahanists are a band of notorious Jewish extremists. They can stay out of trouble by living among the sheep in the Falklands.

Kahina Queendom:
Kahina was a legendary Jewish Berber queen who led the fight against Arab invaders.

Kaifeng:
Kaifeng was home to an ancient Jewish community in China.

Khazaria:
Khazaria was a Turkic kingdom that converted to Judaism around the 10th century.

Khazar South Africa:
A colonial possession of the Khazars.

Lansky Isles:
Meyer Lansky was a Jewish mobster who helped turn pre-Castro Cuba into a gambling mecca.

Lemba:
An African tribe of partly Jewish descent.

Lost Pashtun Tribes:
The Pashtun of Afghanistan and Pakistan are said to descend at least in part from the lost tribes of Israel.

Lost Tribes of Central America:
Many native American tribes were rumoured to descend from the lost tribes of Israel by early explorers.

Maccabee Arabia:
The Maccabees would surely do a better job running the place than the Saudis.

Marranexico:
Marranos are Jews who hid their identity during the Spanish inquisition, many of whom moved to the new Spanish colonies.

Marxagascar:
Groucho Marx is a famous Jewish intellectual.

New Samaria:
An alternative to New Zealand.

No Mensch Land:
How many Jews really live in Scandinavia?

Noachian Ocean:
The aftermath of Noah's flood.

Nuevo Sepharad:
New Spain, roughly.

Orthodox Korea:
The ideological divide in the Korean peninsula continues.

Pale of Settlement:
The Pale was where Jews were restricted to living during Tsarist times. It's been slightly expanded now that Jewish world domination has finally taken place.

Papua New Judah:
Bad pun on Papua New Guinea.

Putzmania:
The Tasmanian penal colony for putzes.

Rambamala:
The Rambam was a renowned Sephardic scholar, the key figure of the Golden Age of Spanish Jewry.

Rastazion:
Rastafarians believe themselves to be the true Jews; so why not throw them a bone, or an island?

Reform Korea:
The ideological divide in the Korean peninsula continues.

Romaniote:
Term for Greek Jews.

Sabbatea:
The Sabbateans were followers of would-be messiah Sabbatai Zevi, who ended his career forming a secret Islamic-Jewish syncretic religion in Anatolia.

Secret Islands of the Elders of Zion:
Where nefarious schemes are plotted far from curious eyes. Also known as Micronesia.

Sefwi:
African tribe in Ghana that converted to Judaism.

Sepharad:
Jewish term for Iberia.

Sheol Penal Colony:
Sheol is the Jewish equivalent to purgatory.

Silverberg Coast:
No comment.

Silverland:
Iceland.

Slavery Reparations Grant:
Payback time.

Temani:
Term for Yemenite Jews.

Underwater Lair of Jewish Octopus King:
The world-controlling octopus was/is a common motif among anti-Semitic cartoonists. Now he has a home.

United Jewish Rabbinates:
An alternative to the United Arab Emirates.

Union of Trotskyite Bundist Sanhedrins:
The Bundists were Jewish socialists, the Sanhedrins are "councils" like Soviets, and Trotsky's Trotsky.

United Tribes of New Zion:
The United States of America if colonized by Israelites.

Yehupitz:
Yiddish for "middle of nowhere." Mongolia fits the bill.

Yiddish Isles:
The British isles.

Orleans New & Old

I've never been to New Orleans, but I have played Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Father. This classic Sierra adventure game showed me a city of haunted tombs, old book shops, voodoo magic, secret libraries, towering cathedrals, arcane rituals and constant mystery. I doubt this bears much resemblance to the reality of New Orleans, but there are far too few cities in North America that have even a mythology that beguiling. How many modern cities could serve as the setting for a neo-gothic adventure video game involving secret societies and ancient wisdom? Pittsburgh? Cleveland? Detroit? Hamilton? Please.

Sometimes it seems as if the greatest cities have been wiped off the map: Rhodes with its colossus; Carthage with its elephant warriors; Tenochtitlan with its giant step pyramids; Angkor with its magnificent temples; Babylon with its hanging gardens; Sodom with its carnal pleasures; Atlantis with its who-knows-what. Hopefully New Orleans, with its polyglot cultures, musical vibrancy, gastronomic delights and voodoo charms won't be added to the list. We could do with fewer slums and suburbs, but North America can't afford to let Mardi Gras die.